Gwyneth’s Simple Macrobiotic Robot Life

Gwyneth the Robot Mermaid

This is Gwyneth Paltrow on the May cover of Vogue. I got this from some snooty Fashion Spot forum where I’m sure they got it from somewhere else.

Now then. I freely admit to being a magazine whore. I don’t know what their appeal is to me. Especially Vogue. It’s really kind of ridiculous, the lifestyle they purport to advocate. Is it so ridiculous that I’m drawn in? Are the pictures just pretty? Do I feel rich after reading it? Is it like how when I had a security key that I held in front of a light and the light turned green and let me into the office? That made me feel like I earned more than I actually did. Perhaps this is the same way. Perhaps I find it oddly soothing to escape into a world so ridiculous. Vogue has a lot of subscribers. I can’t imagine that all of them or even the majority of them run out and buy the clothes inside. So maybe Vogue makes us feel like we’re better than everyone else. Except, you know, the people who actually do run out and buy the clothes.

Now then. This cover. Gwyn is going to get shit for it, and from higher-placed people than me. First of all, she looks a bit like a robot mermaid. The robot head next to her is apparently there to promote Iron Man, but still, WTF? If Sarah Jessica Parker gets a cover, will she have to pose with a dildo to promote Sex and the City: The Movie That You Would Have Cared More About Two or Three Years Ago? Actually, I like the idea of SJP with a dildo on the cover. Anna Wintour, however, does not. I am sure of this.

Also, Gwyn can act. I’ll give her that. But she has a tendency to come of as pretentiouser-than-thou. Like “I simplify everything?” Really, ladies, get with it. She can juggle kids, her career and Chris (I knew he was tiny, but not that tiny). Why can’t you handle your worthless inferior life that doesn’t include a rock star husband, a macrobiotic lifestyle with cupping, and two gorgeous kids named after produce and Biblical figures, respectively? It’s simple, really. Oh yes, don’t forget her long and flowing blonde hair.

Speaking of juggling: Why not have Paltrow on the cover actually juggling? Surrounded by other juggling robots? OK, that mental image just freaked me out.

I like the green in the background. That’s about the nicest thing I can say for this cover. And I, of course, will read the magazine when it comes in my tiny little unorganic mailbox. I always do.

Decoding Your DNA: Can you outsmart your health destiny? With robots, yes. Yes you can.

Wonder-Womanly looks for night? What? Seriously? Now I’m just upset that they didn’t dress up Gwynnie like Wonder Woman for the cover. Juggling. With robots. And a dildo.



Filed under Media Whore

7 responses to “Gwyneth’s Simple Macrobiotic Robot Life

  1. Lala, I love the blog.
    Also, I may have to switch to wordpress, as your layout is one day old and already so nice and clean and shiny.

  2. LadySkittlehattington

    Oh, Lala. Don’t you know that Kim Cattrall is the only one allowed to pose with dildos?

  3. OMG. OMG. I love it. Love. It. This is long overdue, and I’ve never met a Gwynnie criticism I didn’t like. Woooot!

  4. This is brilliant!

    And sweet mother of hell, Gwyneth looks like an alien there!

  5. dorothyzbornak

    This is so great. It makes me want to blog, except, my mind is a bit fried right now from work, so I don’t think I have much to say.

  6. hortense

    A “robot mermaid” is probably the best description there could possibly be. Her facial expression looks as if she’s about to squeal “oil can” from the sides of her lips.

    Hooray for your blog! Tremendous!

  7. Pingback: Wintour on the Way Out? « Bubblegum Culture

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