Mariah Carey’s No-Butterface. And Body.

Before I begin, I can’t resist some impromptu snark: I just heard a purity seminar described as a “five-level purification process.” So, it removes all the harmful minerals from girls so they’ll taste better? “Healthier, great-tasting virgins?” Does their filter have to be changed every few weeks? If they break their vow and have sex, are they considered dirty tap water?

Moving on, because I could riff on that for hours and it wouldn’t be very funny after first 1,000 words or so.  Give or take 950 words.

A bit of a somber day today, so I wanted to do some stupid crap. I have a bad tendency to buy tabloids at the grocery store. I’ll go a few weeks without getting US Weekly or People, then bam, I resist and somehow I’m home with “How I lost 20 LBS!” and a smiling Mariah Carey on the cover.

I may also just make fun of other crap in magazines, like Glamour’s recipe for “engagement chicken” that guarantees your man will propose. So, if I feed a gay man this recipe, will he suddenly be hungry for the vadge?

I got Vogue in the mail today, but I’ve already made fun of the Robot Issue.

Now then, onto US Weekly, where “Mariah is on Firah!” Actually, I only wish that was the cover line. I also wish I could post a pic of the cover, but I can’t seem to at the moment. For now:

Now then, first of all, the cover claims  “AND THREE SIZES!,” meaning Mariah went from an 8 to a 2. Err, does anyone else find this hard to believe? Maybe when you’re fat pigs like most of us, the gap between sizes is uh, wider. But over the past few years, I’ve lost well over 20 pounds and gone down one size. One. My current size pants are a bit loose at times, but they still fit. So I’m not sure what clothes she’s wearing, exactly. Maybe designer clothes also have smaller size differentials?

Flipping through the mag, “Loose Talk” has a quote from Katherine Heigl.

When we were filming the pilot, I was single and so was he, and I kind of had my eye on him. I was getting nowhere and I was super-confused.”

It’s bad, but this quote kind of makes me like her more. Also, Katie, you should have gotten to T.R. Knight in high school, before he was out and he knew deep down that he was gay but was terrified that other people would know, so he’d overcompensate with his high school girlfriends. Yeah, that’s what she said.

“HOT PICS!” has a lukewarm pic of Drew Barrymore and Mac Guy. “It’s Drew Love!” I will allow that pun as long as similar puns are also fair game when they break-up. “Drew Bad!” “He was Drewing Around on Barrymore!” So on.

I started to express surprise at a pic of “Bachelorette DEANNA PAPPAS, 26,” and her “HOT BIKINI BOD!” But then I remembered this is the magazine that devotes covers to Hills cast members. So nevermind.

As if on cue, a few pages later, Rock of Love’s Bret Michaels is asserting, “I made the right decision” with picking some 38-year-old chick rather than some 25-year-old chick. And they both made the right decision by taking Valtrex! Also, Bret, I saw your show on DVD in Wal-Mart, and your plastic face scared me.

Now the Mariah cover story. Honestly, Mariah, I didn’t think you looked bad 20 pounds ago. The clothes they had you in were quite unflattering, but if you were a size 8 then, you’re still doing hella good. And US, what’s with the lead about “Slimmer and more fit than she’s ever been, it’s appropriate that the first single Mariah Carey released from her new album, E=MC2, was ‘Touch My Body.'” I understand sometimes a lead just sounds good and you go with it, but was no one touching her 20 pounds ago? Were they all “Eww! Fatty! Get her outta here!” I kinda doubt it.

Let’s see, Andre Leon Talley told her she had to lose weight after touring made her go from a 4 to an 8 (fat slut). She credits 75 percent of her “sleek physique to her new diet.” It “bans butter, is light on oil and prescribes drinking up to three liters of water a day.” She also insists that she no longer has more than “a few morsels of chicken and a bite of mac and cheese. I’m not going to sit there and eat a whole portion because it’s not worth it to me. I would definitely feel guilty.” Right, this diet is really going to work well for most people, then. No mac and cheese, three litters of water a day, no butter….really easy to pull off for most working women who don’t depend on their body shape to make a living, and who don’t get called “chunky” by evil tabloids like US Weekly if they gain 10 pounds.

Also, there’s “up to one and a half hours of exercising, sometimes everyday of the week” and US astutely notes, “Carey has earned every curve on her fitter-than-ever frame.”

Let’s see, she “makes fitness fun by inviting friends along and hitting the pool.” Anyone else picturing Mariah swimming around going, “Wee! Touch my body! It’s skinny! Wee, I love all my fat friends! Go on, touch it! IS THAT BUTTER?”

“One move she had a tough time mastering was The Mermaid, in which you use your abs to move your lower body while your upper body stays still.” Was it the Robot Mermaid?

OK, for the record, I don’t think Mariah is a terrible person. I think she’s a person who works in showbiz and can afford to hire trainers named Patricia Gay who give them diets and water exercises and all that jazz. But I don’t see why she’s on the cover of US Weekly for getting skinny when she knows that, unfairly or not, her career is going to depend on how she looks. She has time and money to get fit and avoid being labeled “chunky” by stupid tabloids. Of course she has the discipline to get it done; so would I if my boss or whoever told me I’d make more money and have a better career because of it. But it’s ridiculous for US to give us her menus and workout plan when 99 percent of us can’t do it like that. At best, we can drink more water or go swimming once in a while. Not all that.

Ashlee Simpson is “engaged and pregnant.” This bodes well, I think. She has a crazy preacher dad who creeps everyone not related to him out, whores out his daughters, and is just a total bastard. Then she meets Pete Wentz and they seem happy and they’re bangin’ and oh, she’s preggers. And now supposedly a wedding “may take place as early as May or June” so she won’t be showing. Yeah, she’s 23. Maybe this will work, but it doesn’t seem like the most auspicious of starts. I can just picture Papa Joe yelling at her for being all slutty and giving it up before marriage. “Do you know the kind of money we could have made from the wedding night pictures?” he screams. “God is soooo disappointed in you right now!”

Still, I hate her less than her sister. Actually, maybe hate is too strong a word. I kinda feel sorry for both of em. But they’re adults. Drop the creepy dad. And get married because you feel like the time is right, not because you’re about to start showing signs of being knocked up.

Flipping through the rest, there’s “Hollywood’s Hot Style Winners.” Heidi Klum is the big winner. And I also suspect she’s the only person I care about. Oh, an interview with Tina Fey! I love her. And I bet she’s right when she says her daughter “is the funniest person in the house.” And I usually don’t like kids. But I suspect I’d like Tina’s.

OK, Back to the Brita. And working on establishing a scholarship fund for sluts.




Filed under Media Whore

3 responses to “Mariah Carey’s No-Butterface. And Body.

  1. This is great! Now I don’t have to read them.

    What I don’t get about Bret Michaels: what happened to the first chick on Rock of Love? It didn’t work out?

    I remember hearing a funny story about Mariah a while ago — she was actually a size 12 or 14 when she was supposedly “heavy,” but the sychophants around her would re-sew tags in the clothes they’d bring her to try on that said 6 or 8 so she wouldn’t freak out.

    So in actual fact, she is probably down to a 6 now from a 12. She’s a tall girl, and not teeny-tiny.

  2. LadySkittlehattington

    Why don’t male celebrities ever sit around and talk about going down a size? Ergh…

  3. dorothyzbornak

    I’m sorry, but I want no part of a diet that doesn’t include butter and has me eating “a morsel of chicken.” That is not normal. And Mariah is one of those women who is naturally supposed to be a size 8 (which is not large by any stretch) but starves herself and exercises to be a 2. I feel sorry for her, not envious of her “hot new shape.”

    And Ashlee Simpson? Was one failed marriage in your family not enough to teach you that getting married that young, especially for reasons other than absolute love (pregnancy, need to have sex without creepy preacher daddy thinking you’re a whore, etc.), isn’t a good idea? I give it a year, tops.

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