Advice from Cosmo

Image from Amazon.com

Are You a Bad Cosmo Girlfriend?

You don’t give your ladyflower a regular Brazilian bikini wax. -10 points. Eww!

You never use ice cubes, whipped cream, sporks or potted plants in your sex play. -5 points

You wear a one-piece bathing suit. -3 points

You wear a size larger than 10. But for tips on how to dress plus-size, check out the newest issue of Cosmo. You are a size 10, right? No, a 12? Really? We didn’t know that size existed. We thought it was an urban legend, like, you know, that story about the guy with the hook. – 5 points

You’ve ever been caught buck naked anywhere outside of bed or the shower and didn’t send it in to Cosmo. We like to say buck naked. And ass. Then we put it on the cover, because we’re edgy like that. -5

You don’t give your man what he wants in bed -like the sideways samurai hillbilly grinder. You don’t know what that is? What are you, a virgin or something? -5 points

You don’t swallow when giving your man his daily fellatio. Wow, what’s that big word? We mean blow job. Or prick lick. Ohh, hey, put that on the cover!-12 points

You don’t like this month’s Guy Without His Shirt. What are you, some kind of lesbo? -7 points

You don’t take advice from our Ask Him Anything dude. He knows what’s good for you. Why don’t you? – 8 points

You aren’t giving him his most-wanted mattress move. Which is anal sex. With a young Latin man-boy named Felipe. -4 points

Disclaimer: This is, of course, satire, and did not actually appear in Cosmo. Furthermore, I read lady mags sometimes, yes. Sometimes they are harmless fluffy fun, sometime they annoy the crap outta me. This is a way to get my annoyances out. Also, I have an odd fondness for Carrie Underwood, but she happened to be on the latest cover, so sorry, Carrie.

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3 Comments

Filed under Lady Mags, Media Whore

3 responses to “Advice from Cosmo

  1. dorothyzbornak

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Taking relationship advice from Cosmo is like taking sex advice from a nun. Or diet tips from a sumo wrestler. Or public speaking tips from George Bush.
    I could go on all day…

  2. This is hilarious!

    I think I’m at about a -50 according to your quiz!

  3. Lady Skittlehattington

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

    SPORK!

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