People Magazine Turns You Into a Lesbian

So I bought People Magazine Friday. Yes, indeed, I read it so you don’t have to. Mostly I got it for the Russert tribute. I’m not sure how I come down on if he inserted politics too much into his job, or if he was too “gotcha” or not “gotcha” enough, but he was clearly a beloved figure, and I wanted to read the article.

So I read the article and think “Well, that was pretty nice.” Turn the page. And well, I saw something too horrible for words. Mario Lopez naked.

Not that naked men are inherently a bad thing, contrary to what they taught you in church, but I don’t want to see that. I just don’t. I mean they named him the “Sexiest Bachelor Alive” or somesuch, but for the life of me I don’t know why. Really, People? Was Clay Aiken not available?

And I was in a sandwich shop eating lunch when I saw this. So I had to quickly turn the page because um, no. I don’t want to feel like I’m reading Playboy in Quizno’s, or wherever I was. Again, nothing against naked men, it’s just 1) Mario Lopez 2) in People Magazine 3) in really cheesy poses. I refuse to post them. If you want to see, you’ll have to find them online or something. Instead, I’m going with the real sexiest man alive-yeah, get ready for it to get Nashty up in here.

Ohh, he\'s injured. Poor baby.

The idea behind the photo shoot was Mario Lopez is recreating “sexy poses” from movies. The first one that hits you in the face (not literally, it was not, thankfully, a pop-up pictorial) is him doing Burt Reynolds in Cosmopolitan. And the caption is priceless, as Young Mario enthuses that “my mom is gonna love this” because “it’s from her era.” Hey Mario, you have a phone call. Some fellow named Oedipus on line 2. He says it’s important. Should I have him call back?

Now, Mario is muscular and tanned and presumably Latin, so yeah, I guess that’s why People got excited. But the problem is he’s not exactly…famous. I mean, granted, this is the sexy bachelor issue rather than “Sexiest Man Alive,” so maybe Mario just has to be ready to fill in in case Matt Damon is too sick to go on (side note: I love how Matt Damon reacted to that “honor,” it was so cute and funny and well, sexy). But come on: This guy’s shining moment was being on Saved by the Bell. And maybe Dancing with the Stars. And now he’s apparently on Broadway or something, but really. Maybe this was how the convo went:

People Magazine Staffer 1: Who’s gonna be this year’s hottest bachelor?

Staffer 2: Um, how bout that David Cook guy from American Idol? (they did actually put him in there)

Staffer 1: Nah, too pale. And wholesome. Women want edge! Edge!

Staffer 2: Terrence Howard (also in there). What’s sexier than a dapper, well-dressed man who insists his women use Baby Wipes to clean their dirty filthy ladyparts?

Staffer 1: Hey, I bet if we got that kid from Saved by the Bell, we could do that edgy naked photoshoot the boss wants.

Staffer 2: Now then, I’m really not sure the world is ready to see Dustin Diamond’s jewels.

So basically, they must have figured Mario Lopez is a famewhore who would love to show off his muscles. And hey, he just “wrote” a “book.”

 But, like many muscley men, he has a history of treating his ladies bad. Rumors of cheating abound, and I believe he cheated on his wife, who was his wife for about five minutes because of the cheating. And he seems kind of sleazy, not just because of infidelity, but because he’s such a fame whore he’d gladly pose naked for People. I mean, People, of all magazines. And he confirms his breakup with that Dancing with the Stars lady right before the magazine comes out. Coincidence? Plus, again, he’s not that famous. He’s on the B-list, at best. Maybe C-list. I understand People can’t expect to have an issue full of entirely faithful men, but could they have at least gotten a more A-list cheater? Or a less-famous guy who is smart enough to hide his carousing?

Lopez strikes me as the type of guy who, in high school, knew he could get any girl he wanted. Like, you know, Jessie Spano. And he always thinks he’s the shit, and because of that, he feels like it’s OK to treat women like shit. And then People magazine enables him by putting him on their cover-although it was just a sidebar, at least. I have a feeling if Russert hadn’t died, he would have been the whole cover. I can imagine Lopez getting pissed at that. Too bad, Slater. The late host of Meet the Press takes precedent over “that guy who didn’t even win Dancing with the Star and may very well have herpes.” This year’s Sexiest Bachelor Issue brought to you by Valtrex!

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