No Melons Before Marriage

And now for something a bit lighter….

Church Camp Bans Watermelon, Announces New Abstinence Campaign

SQUIRREL CARCASS, OKLA. — In light of a recent study showing the consumption of watermelon may have an effect similar to that of Viagra, officials at Holy Ghost Church Camp have announced that the fruit will no longer be served at the cafeteria or anywhere else on-site.
“Satan has many ways to tempt young hearts,” said camp director Bill Goodman. “As it turns out, not even something as wholesome an all-American as watermelon is safe. It’s sad to see the decline of traditional produce morality.”
Goodman also announced the beginning of a new abstinence slogan for the camp: No Melons Before Marriage. Posters depict a large seedless watermelon cut in half, and below, in bold lettering: “Once the juice is gone, it never comes back.”
“If you give away your pulp before marriage, then by the time your wedding night comes around, it’s going to be dry and taste terrible,” said Jill Goodman, Bill’s wife, who, as a woman of holiness, has no official role at the church camp except that of macrame instructor. “No one wants to marry a dry pulp.”
As part of a new pre-marital spiritual counseling class, betrothed couples will be encouraged to lightly tap on each other. If they hear a hollow sound, that means they are ripe and ready for marriage relations. If there is no hollow sound, the female is probably a whore.
Church camper Diana Logan, 14, agreed with the new camp policy.
“I’ve always thought the seeds were a little suspicious,” Logan said. “The only seed you should have inside you, at least until marriage, is that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
Others, like Jason Durham, 15, were more skeptical.
“I like watermelon,” he said. “As long as I just drink the juice through a straw and don’t actually eat the pulp, I don’t see the real harm in it.”
The church announced plans to burn 20 watermelons at that night’s worship service, but Durham said he was unlikely to attend, as he and his girlfriend had plans to sneak off to the woods and make out.

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3 Comments

Filed under Fake News

3 responses to “No Melons Before Marriage

  1. I love The Onion too, which is why I wrote this. It had been swirling about in my head for a while, so I finally put ink to paper. Or rather, keyboard stroke to monitor. If you liked it, I may try to do more. I may do it anyway, since it was fun to write.

  2. OMG, OK, I totally thought this was from the Onion! This is awesome. I think we’ve found the news outlet where you belong…get thee to the Onion!

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