Here comes the bride. Quick, hide!

Image from tvshowsondvd.com

Image from tvshowsondvd.com

Salon.com has a nice piece on brides gone bad, namely ones who persecute and torture their bridesmaids so much it probably violates Geneva Conventions (maybe the brides are friends with Bush).

“One woman, who was asked to be a bridesmaid in her Mormon friend’s wedding, found out on the morning of the wedding that she wasn’t actually going to be allowed inside the temple because she wasn’t Mormon,” says Agrell. “Her job as a bridesmaid was to stand on the front steps of the temple in her full bridesmaid’s outfit and ask those who showed up, ‘Are you a believer in the Church of Latter-day Saints?’ She had to make sure that non-Mormons, including the bride’s father, who had been excommunicated, did not get inside.”

“Did she do it?” I ask.

“Yep,” says Agrell. “You don’t know who’s crazier, the people who ask or the people who actually go along with it

That just makes my jaw drop. Ways I’d try to muck things up:

“Hello yes, welcome to the wedding of Jenny and Joe. Are you a believer in the Church of Latter-day Saints? No? Well then, please take the door on your right. It leads down a dark dank hole straight to hell. Have fun with Satan!”

“Welcome to the wedding. I’m going to need to check your drawers. Yes, your drawers. They have to be up to standard, you know.”

“Before you enter the temple, I’ll need to ask you a quick question or two: First of all, what are your thoughts on Mitt Romney? Negative or positive?”

“Cake or death? Ahh well, lucky for you we’re Church of England.”

I have a friend who is being wed next year, and she has managed to stay remarkably sane and kind. Good for her, and I believe she may very well be one of the few to keep it up and not go nuts and scream at the maid of honor for wearing the wrong brand of pantyhose-and I just googled “pantyhose” to find out how many brands there are. Don’t do that. You’ll get pantyhose fetish sites.

Moving on, the story notes how remarkable it is that otherwise confident and outspoken women would sit and nod meekly as the bride is a terrible terrible person. I hope I’d have enough conviction to drop out if things got really bad. Stress and anxiety, I understand. Totally raging Bridezilla? Not so much. As Rebecca Mead, the author of the lovely and amazing http://www.amazon.com/One-Perfect-Day-Selling-American/dp/B000YT9D7I/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217876687&sr=8-1<One Perfect Day (now only 5.99 on Amazon!) says, there’s the idea, perpetuated happily by the wedding industry, that a bride is a princess and a queen and royalty on her day, and by god, anyone who stops her gets the guillotine.

Then there’s another, often related, school of thought that seems to say the more expensive the wedding, the better the marriage. I sometimes watch this show on WE (I know) called Platinum Weddings (I know) about mega-expensive weddings where food for guests costs $50,000 and flowers cost $60,000 and so on. I was up late last night, not sleeping, and one couple-they were in Atlanta, and the bride was a lawyer-lovingly said how their “fantasy wedding” would be the start of a “fantasy marriage.” See below post about marriage. It ain’t all that. You shouldn’t expect it to be unicorns and flowers and sunshine and cake. Well, maybe cake. Cake is good and easy to find. And not too expensive. And to be fair, some of these couples have rich daddies or whatnot, but why not have the daddy just buy em a house or something? Or put in a down payment?

But a word of warning: the higher you build up the marriage before it even happens, the farther it has to fall. And sorry, but most lawyers won’t accept a $500,000 wedding as a down payment on the divorce.

Say, I think I have an idea for a show to pitch to WE. I’ll call it Platinum Divorces.

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1 Comment

Filed under Media Whore, News

One response to “Here comes the bride. Quick, hide!

  1. Oh man, I’m maid of honor in a wedding for a girl I’m really not even friends with anymore. Yeah. And it’s going to be a total nightmare. She’s not getting married until November (the weekend after Thanksgiving–convenient! *eyeroll*) and she’s been driving me nuts with demands since February. I have a feeling we really won’t be friends by the end of it all. Oh, and on the money tip, she’s planning on spending $400 for a fucking bouquet. INSANE!

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