It fascinates me how volatile hurricanes can be, and how uncertain the storm tracks are, even a day out. I have a brother on the western coast of Florida, and forecasters there still aren’t sure how bad things will get there. So I’m crossing my fingers for him, as well as notaclevername and others in the Sunshine State.
So, whether you’re in Florida, or just thinking of going to a beach someday, here are some handy tips for making it through a hurricane:
1) Don’t go outside.
2) Don’t start a riot. Unless it’s over gas, since you can’t be expected to survive unless your Hummer is full.
3) If possible, avoid getting hit by a hurricane during the Bush administration.
4) Be a mermaid. If you can’t manage that, and you’re a studly sailor, you might get rescued by one. But don’t return the favor by falling for her evil doppelganger that’s a sea witch in disguise. Girls hate that. They don’t care if she hypnotized you.
5) For all you mermaids out there on your laptops, after you rescue that dude Eric, watch out for that sea witch. Don’t give her your voice, OK? No matter how convincing she seems. It’s bad news. No dude is worth your voice. Besides, a girl can never be sure if she’ll get the Disney ending or the Hans Christian Anderson one. According to the latest statistics, more than 50 percent of mermaid-human relationships end the Anderson way, and face it, do any of us really have 300 years to just hang around and wait for an immortal soul?