Experts Question McCain’s Cooter Credentials in Light of Palin Pick

by lalaland13/Fake News Person

WASHINGTON – A week after leading pundits wondered if Barack Obama’s choice of Joe Biden signaled a lack of confidence in foreign policy experience, leading analysts are left with a similar question about John McCain’s choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

“The big thing here is, does McCain not feel secure  in his feminine wiles and abilities?” asked Harvard political science professor Matt Hewey. “You can sense a certain confidence in a woman when they walk into the room. McCain clearly states today that no, he does not have that at all. This could be a problem in November.”

As today’s announcement drew closer, speculation focused on Joe Lieberman, the senator from Connecticut. However, advisers said privately that was not going to happen, as Lieberman is pro-choice and also, kind of a Jew and all, and McCain can’t pick someone who assisted in the killing of Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior.

So instead, McCain went with an XX chromosomed-person, a pick that raises just as many questions as answers.

“Does he have enough experience with ladyparts?” said Neal Nutt, an analyst at the Center for Asking Important Questions and Analyzing Them. “I mean, other than asking his wife, Cindy, there’s no way to answer that question, except maybe asking his first wife, who was tragically crippled and then….well, you know, divorce happens. But McCain was a POW. And a man of honor maverick. But does he have maverick cooter credentials? Does he have the feminine mystique, or is this going to go down as a feminine mistake”

Author and feminist Eve Ensler suggested McCain “love his vagina and believe in it. Love all of it. Of course, if he has a peen instead of a cooter, that’s going to get a lot more difficult.” Ensler suggested watching a few seasons of Golden Girls for tips, because “that Blanche character knew how to work a room.” McCain staffers are said to be currently looking for copies of the hit TV series on VHS.

McCain has also announced that, if he and Palin secure an electoral victory, Palin will make 75 percent of his salary. Further comment from the McCain camp was not available, although there was an awkward moment in Dayton, Ohio, when the banner announcing Palin as the VP had an error, and the sign read: Palin for Vice Presidential Cuntidate: She’ll Fight for Our Cunty!”

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4 Comments

Filed under Fake News, News

4 responses to “Experts Question McCain’s Cooter Credentials in Light of Palin Pick

  1. This. made. me. laugh. SO. FUCKING. hard.

  2. Lindsy is also highly impressed (and amused).

  3. lalaland13

    Thanks Katie! And Lindsy! That really warms my cold cynical heart.If I could make money being a smartass, I would. But that’s hard, with the economy and all.

  4. The last line is priceless and will keep this smile on my face for the day!

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