by lalaland13/Automotive Writer
WACO, TEXAS — Friends of Danny Waller, 26, claim he he experienced penis shrinkage after his Ford F-350 was passed on the highway by a Honda Civic.
“He came home crying, and it took him a while to explain it, but then it all came rushing out at once,” his girlfriend, Holly White, 23, told reporters. “He said he was trying to speed up and keep ‘that foreign piece of shit’ from passing him, but the car went by him anyway. Afterwards, he said he felt something different right away.”
Waller’s best friend, Stan Peters, 27, backed up White’s story.
“He told me he didn’t feel like a man anymore,” Peters said. “I mean, yeah, we’ve all been passed every now and then. But by a fuckin’ Taurus? On the interstate? I don’t see how you can do that and not grow a vagina or something.”
Later, Peters released a statement through his attorney stating he has “no personal or firsthand knowledge of the size, shape or girth of Danny Waller’s penis.”
White said she tried to be supportive, but found it difficult during intimate relations the next night.
“I took one look at it and stifled a giggle,” White said. “Then he lost his erection, and I couldn’t help laughing.”
White is considering dumping her man for someone who can please her sexually.
“If he doesn’t have a big thing, I don’t really see the point in staying together,” she said. “I mean, we’ve been together a couple years, and he really has no redeeming qualities except what’s inside his pants.”
Waller works as a manager at a local Best Buy, although friends say he does not use the truck to haul heavy electronic equipment or anything else that they’re aware of.
“He uses it to haul ass, that’s why he uses it,” Peters said. “It’s a fuckin’ Ford, man.”
Baylor business professor Paul Mann said car manufacturers perform studies that show men buy trucks to feel masculine, something he says shows up in a variety of ways in truck commercials.
“Chevy did a real popular spot a couple years back where a blue-collar type guy was driving through town as music played,” Mann said. “Then, you hear him scream, and see a buxom blonde pop up from the floorboard, where she was apparently enjoying a nice, cold glass of milk.”
Waller told a throng of reporters gathered at his house that all allegations of a decreased package were untrue, although he refused to display any evidence.
“Everything’s bigger in Texas,” a defiant Waller said, “including my cock.”
The woman in the Honda Civic has not been identified, although witnesses report she’s probably some lesbian witch or some shit like that.