by lalaland 13/Fake Medical Writer
MINNEAPOLIS – A local couple in the midst of a bitter breakup agreed through their lawyers Thursday to a settlement that will split custody of all sexually transmitted diseases obtained during the marriage.
Rick Matherson, 29, and his estranged wife, the former Louise Waters, 27, came to the agreement after weeks of a protracted struggle that followed a trip by Louise to her ob-gyn and the subsequent discovery of gonorrhea, chlamydia and herpes.
“That asshole Rick cheated on me,” a furious Louise said Thursday. “I came home, and he denied everything. Bastard. I knew then we were through.”
Louise then added, “And I had to call Bobby and Phil and let them know to get tested. That was so embarrassing, and it’s all that fucker’s fault. Why did we ever get married?”
Rick contends that Louise is still not being totally honest with him.
“She’s lying, she has to be lying, that slut,” Rick said. “She told me she was a virgin when we met! Ugh! And Diane and Teresa swore up and down they were virgins, too, so someone’s lying, and it must be that dumb whore.”
The courtship began in 2002, when, depending on the source, either Louise picked up Rick at a bar or he picked her up. But sources agree there was alcohol present. The couple married the next year, and probably began screwing other people sometime in the first year or two of marriage.
“How could he have lied?” wondered Louise as she rifled through the bag of antibiotics she was prescribed. “I don’t get it. Things started so well. I knew we’d be together forever.”
But friends say trouble was a long time coming.
“Look, Rick came to me a few months after they got hitched, and said she just wasn’t putting out anymore,” friend Eddie Thayer, 28, said. “I said, look man, be careful. Don’t play with fire, or you’ll get burned.”
Thayer then cut the interview short, saying he had “a crazy itch” and needed to go scratch it.
The couple have no children, and doctors say it’s unlikely that either of them will ever be able to reproduce. Louise asked for alimony, but Rick refused, instead agreeing to pay for a portion of her medical treatment if she writes letters to any and all future paramours explaining “that odd discoloration and whose fault it is.” The two were also ordered by a judge to receive mandatory condom counseling.