Hurricane Ike Aims for Your Local Gas Station

HOUSTON – Hurricane Ike lurked offshore Friday, ready to bulldoze inland and take out your local fill-up, meteorologists said.

“This is really surprising,” said Dr. Nancy Laurence at the National Hurricane Center in Miami. “It appears that, in addition to dealing a major blow to the Texas coast, it’s also going to take out every gas station and oil rig in America.”

“Shit,” added Laurence. “I better go fill up.”

Officials said that explained the long lines of people that waited nervously to fill up Friday. One such person was Jerry Fields, 44, of Nashville, Tenn.

“I have to fill up now, before it’s all gone,” Fields said as he waited behind eleven other cars to fill up his Ford Explorer. “Who knows when we’ll see gas again? It could be weeks. Months. Years even. My God, what if this is it? What if this is the end? This was in the Bible, wasn’t it?”

The Weather Channel dispatched Jim Cantore to report live from a fill-up in Carbondale, Ill. However, he was beaten to death by angry mob after holding up the line for Pump No. 5.

23-year-old Heather Carlson of Kansas City, Mo, planned to just stay home most of the weekend. While the fuel level for her 2000 Ford Taurus was “getting kind of low,” she said she didn’t plan to go out much until Monday.

“My friends don’t understand me when I say that we’ll be fine, and prices will be down in a few days,” she said. Then, wondering aloud, she added, “Maybe I should tattoo my name on my arm with a kitchen knife. Just in case, you know, they need to find my body later.”

Houston, meanwhile, was faced with a massive storm surge and long-term power outages. But Houston’s mayor said everyone would be fine, as long as they had plenty of unleaded to drink.

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