Forget your trouble and your sorrow, parking’s only $30!

Flickr.com

Flickr.com

NEW YORK — The NFL announced the start of a new campaign Thursday aimed at getting people’s minds off the troubled economy and into the seats at their nearest NFL stadium.

“The NFL cares,” commissioner Roger Goodell said at a press conference. “We care about you, the consumer. We know how hard things are right now. So we’re reducing prices by as much as 5 or even 10 percent for tickets, parking, concessions and even some seat licenses.”

One notable change came at Texas Stadium in Irving, home of the Dallas Cowboys. Stadium officials said parking attendants will now greet customers with a song: “Forget your trouble and your sorrow; parking’s only $30!”

“This will, of course, be limited to the outermost parking area, which is somewhere near the airport, I think,” owner Jerry Jones said. “Or so they tell me. Never actually been out there. But if you want to get within two miles of the stadium, parking will stay at a very reasonable $50 for a nice spot in the grass.”

Jones said prices are subject to change, depending on the in-flux budget for the state-of-the-art $1 billion stadium currently under construction in Arlington.

At the Meadowlands in East Rutherford, N.J., stadium officials said “budget” tickets will be available starting at $25, not counting a $5 fee to sit down, a $10 fee to use the stadium restrooms, and a $14 cheering surcharge that can be waived if a fan agrees to have their mouth sealed with duct tape for all four quarters. Duct tape is available for $8.

“The working class fan is the bread-and-butter of NFL,” said league spokesman Patrick Mitchell. “So if they lose their job, we want to make it as easy as possible for them to spend what little money they have left on a fun trip to the stadium for the family, including $4 hot dogs for the kids and plenty of $7 beer for Dad.”

Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte, N.C., home of the Carolina Panthers, responded enthusiastically to the plan, but a week later issued this press release: “Because of unforseen financial difficulties, Bank of America Stadium has been forced to close. But never fear, all your tickets, except those in luxury boxes, are secure and will be transferred over for use at any and all Charlotte Checkers ice hockey games.” This followed days of fans rushing into “The Bank” to remove their seats and take them to another, more secure, stadium.

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2 Comments

Filed under Fake News

2 responses to “Forget your trouble and your sorrow, parking’s only $30!

  1. LOL, Charlotte Checkers! Classic.

  2. I found that on Wikipedia, Dotty. Great name. Shreveport, La., has a minor league hockey team called the Mudbugs.

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