McCain Slams Media for Thinking Things, Writing Them Down

LANSING, MICH. — Republican presidential candidate John McCain used a town hall meeting today as an opportunity to slam the media as “more biased than Tokyo Rose” as the 2008 election season nears completion.

“I’ve been informed that some in the media are dangerously close to having opinions on certain matters,” McCain said angrily. “For instance, Gwen Ifill is writing a book on politics and race, which clearly means she’s a racist sexist who thinks only black people should serve in elected positions. What kind of crap is this?”

McCain has also said he wishes someone who wasn’t “writing a book favorable to Barack Obama” was chosen (note: this part is actually true; he did say that), but aides said he rejected two possibilities floated by the debate commission.

“There was talk of Anderson Cooper, but Cooper’s baby blue eyes and smoldering intensity would make McCain question his sexuality, and that always makes him angry and causes him to throw things at the TV” said one aide who requested anonymity because they hope to work again after the election is over. “Wolf Blitzer was also a no-go, because John really needs to stay awake for the duration of the debate.”

A person close to VP candidate Sarah Palin said, “Sarah wasn’t told Ifill is black. She’s very surprised and disappointed to hear about this all of a sudden and wonders why this was hidden so long.”

As further proof of media bias, McCain held up a copy of Cosmo addressed to Elizabeth Ellis, 27, a reporter for the Lansing Herald.

“She should have her credentials revoked for this,” McCain said gravely, pointing to the cover line promising “89 New Ways to Make Him Moan!” Continuing, the candidate said, “Any loose woman who reads this is obviously in the tank for Obama and is probably planning to join other liberal media elites in an Obama-supporting orgy arranged by Moveon.org.”

McCain then barked at a reporter, “Stop writing that down, you Communist!”

After concluding his speech, McCain quickly boarded the Straight Talk Express, which appeared to deliberately swerve to hit Maureen Dowd on its way out of the parking lots. Dowd received an elitist cast and sling on her liberally fractured forearm.

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3 Comments

Filed under Fake News

3 responses to “McCain Slams Media for Thinking Things, Writing Them Down

  1. “There was talk of Anderson Cooper, but Cooper’s baby blue eyes and smoldering intensity would make McCain question his sexuality, and that always makes him angry”

    Genius!

  2. myrtlebeachbum

    How dare they???!

    Apply to The Onion, for real.

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