Election Update

A look at the latest election headlines. All by lalaland13, your humble fake election correspondent.

JOPLIN, MO. — Sarah Palin reacted with the confusion today to the white-robed man who introduced her at a campaign rally held outside the Joplin Civic Center.

“Who is that fellow?” she said to her advisers. “Why is he dressed in a sheet? Why’s he screamin’ so loud there? Eh?”

The crowd became frenzied with every word the mysterious man spoke. A moment later, Palin nudged her director or communications.

“I don’t know why they’re hanging that piece of rope from a tree,” she said. “Are we gonna swing?”

Palin relaxed after the staffer assured her the crowd was “just being mavericky.”

NEW YORK — Want to know the next president? Look to People Magazine for the answer.

A political scientist has announced that, after a years-long study funded with taxpayer dollars, he’s prepared to reveal the absolute positively 100 percent guaranteed way to predict who will prevail Nov. 4.

“Look at the issue of People that comes out the Friday before the election,” explained Jason Farley of Brown University. “Ever year that they’ve put something about pregnancy as their cover story, the Republican wins. But if there’s a relationship-in-trouble story, the Democrat wins.”

But what if neither is the lead story? What if there’s something else entirely, like, for instance, the recent cover that featuring Clay Aiken confirming he’s gay?

“Well then,” said Farley. “That’s easy enough. Democrats love sodomy, so if that had been the cover the week before, Obama wins.

“But don’t worry, Republicans,” he added. “If Clay Aiken goes back into the closet and announces he’s really straight and was just confused and can’t wait to join himself biblically with a lady, start booking your hotel for McCain’s inauguration.”

SACRAMENTO, CALIF. — A Christian conservative group unveiled a new ad campaign today aimed at making people realize “the awful truth” about Proposition 8: If you vote no, you’ll become a homo. Yes, you.

“Holy fudge,” said 34-year-old Joey Vassar of San Jose. “I had no idea. I thought there was nothing wrong with letting gay people get married. I mean, my sister’s a lesbian and wants to get married to her girlfriend of eight years. But this just sheds a whole new light of things. Whoa. Guess I better vote yes then. I love vaginas, and I’d prefer to keep it that way.”

Proposition 8 was placed on the ballot after the California Supreme Court ruled gays have a constitutional right to marry. While initial polls seemed to indicate the majority were in favor of letting gays keep their rights, recent polls have shown the tide may be turning.

A script for the anti-gay marriage ad appears below. A $2 million ad buy was purchased by a 527 called Rock the Vote, Don’t Cock the Vote.

(A neatly dressed man walks into a voting booth, pulls the curtain to, and briskly fills out his ballot. After he places his pencil down, a voice addresses him)

VOICE: So, are you sure about that?

MAN: (startled) Huh? What? Yeah. I’m fine. Who are you?

VOICE: Nothing….just as long as you’re sure.

(Close-up of man’s ballot, where he voted no on Prop. 8. Man walks out of voting booth, and suddenly his face distorts freakishly).

MAN: COCK! COCK! I need COCK! AHHH! COCK! NOW! I LIKE TO SUCK IT! SODOMY IS GREAT! AHH!

(Scene fades out as man begins attacking every man, woman, child and cat in the polling place, demanding deviant sex. Onscreen, the letters, “BEFORE YOU VOTE, BE SURE” appear).

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4 Comments

Filed under Fake News

4 responses to “Election Update

  1. I am making that my new quote. “COCK! COCK! I need COCK! AHHH! COCK! NOW! I LIKE TO SUCK IT! SODOMY IS GREAT! AHH!”

  2. Katie, by sheer coincidence, that is also Ben’s profile quote. 😛

    Glad you liked it. I had fun writing it. Nice way to blow off steam, because the polls really are showing that the stupid Prop. 8 might pass and no more gay marriage, and that just hacks me off to no end.

  3. Ha, it’s kind of like this gay porno version of “The Ring,” called “The Hole,” where you watch a video and then the phone rings and a menacing voice says “You’re gay.” Minutes later, you’re blowing your poker buddy.

    Sorry, didn’t mean to go all gay porn on ya! 😉

  4. @DorothyZ: That is hilarious and amazing. Tehehe. I love a good gay porn reference; it brightens up my Monday.

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