by lalaland13/Sports Correspondent
ST. LOUIS – Cowboys owner and general manager called the team out publicly, saying everyone needs to look at themselves and figure out how to do better. He said the consequences would be dire if they didn’t.
“For instance, that nice new bilion-dollar stadium over yonder?” Jones said, referring to the facility currently being built in Arlington. “It doesn’t have to open next season. Why, if these team can’t shape up, maybe they don’t deserve to play there until they can make the playoffs. That should teach ’em. I’ll keep ’em in Texas Stadium till they learn.”
“I don’t need $50,000 seat licenses,” Jones said with a quivering lip.
Jones added that if the team doesn’t get it together, he’ll force them to be coached by Wade Phillips as punishment.
“Also, does anybody have a good snickerdoodle recipe?” asked Jones near the end of the press conference. “I promised Pacman Jones I’d make him some cookies. The guy could use a little cheering up.”
MONTPELIER, VT – The Boston Red Sox left 16-year-old fan Timothy Todd stranded at third base Sunday, unable to get him to home base with his girlfriend, 16-year-old Lauren Watts.
“She was going down on me, and I kind of tried to, you know, suggest maybe she’d like to take off her pants or something,” an agitated Todd said. “But she said she didn’t feel like it right now, and thought we should wait a little longer.”
Todd said the night started off well enough when Watts agreed to let him take off her bra, only to take a turn for the worst after Todd failed in three straight attempts to unclasp it. Things got better after that, but still didn’t end the way he wanted it to.
Todd expressed hope that things might go better next weekend. However, three days after that fateful night on the couch, Watts left Todd for Rays closer David Price.
AUSTIN, TEXAS – A tearful Colt McCoy admitted Monday that the name on his jersey is not the one his parents gave him.
The admission came following an investigation by the Austin American-Statesman which unearthed a birth certificate revealing the real name of the Texas QB to be Norman Borgenfelcher.
“Coach (Mack Brown) said, ‘Boy, that ain’t no name for a Texas quarterback!'” recalled McCoy/Borgenfelcher at a press conference. “You’re in Austin now! With a name like that, you may as well be on the girls field hockey team!”
Brown said he considered other names like Devil McBalls, Ralph Bevo and Vince Young before settling on Colt McCoy.
The star player said he was relieved to have the secret out and pledged to play harder than ever now that he could do so with a clean conscience. However, while McCoy’s jersey was among the top 5 NCAA jerseys sold, Borgenfelcher’s jersey soon plummeted to number 902.