by lalaland13/Fake Entertainment Correspondent
HOLLYWOOD — Frustrated by the constant speculation that she is a baby-starved woman just dying to be impregnated, actress Jennifer Aniston shocked the world today by revealing that she’s had numerous abortions.
“Basically, I’ve had one abortion for every time the tabloids speculated I was pregnant,” Aniston said, waving around a copy of the latest Star Magazine, which features a cover story saying she’s pregnant with musician John Mayer’s child. “Even if I wasn’t pregnant, if the tabloid said I was, I would go out, find a random penis-possessing person, and have unprotected sex, all just to have an abortion.”
“I don’t like babies nearly as much as you want me to,” the Emmy-winning actress continued. “So please, stop it. Stop saying this crap. Ever consider that maybe I am not desperate for a man? That maybe I just like having hot sex with hunky men, some of whom, in hindsight, were probably gay?”
The press conference was interrupted by the emergence of Aniston’s publicist from backstage.
“Jennifer, can I talk to you?” asked publicist Doreen Douglas.
“In a minute!” snapped Aniston. Turning back to the press, she said, “OK, where was I? Oh right. And this Brad Pitt thing. I don’t still love him, believe it or not. I know it’s crazy, but it is possible to break up with someone and move on. Now, I just wish he and Angelina would stop trying to adopt my fetuses and-”
Aniston was then tackled by actress Patricia Heaton, who wrestled her to the ground and began beating her with one of the Emmys she won while on Everybody Loves Raymond. “Murderer!” shreaked Heaton. “Slut! Jesus loves you just as much as he loves Raymond, you know! Repent, loosed woman!”
US Weekly immediately announced plans to put Aniston on the cover of next week’s issue with the tag line “JENNIFER THE MURDERER! WILL JOHN STILL LOVE HER?”