So, I have already voted. Did so last week. If you haven’t voted yet, either your state doesn’t give you the option or, as George Will believes, you are a lazy bum (OK, so that was his argument for why we shouldn’t let everyone vote by mail: lazy people who are too lazy to get off their welfare couches shouldn’t be allowed to vote the easy way).
Anyway. Here are some tips for managing the long-ass line. Because it will be long-ass. Yes, even if you live in Utah or New York.
1) Do not discuss the candidates while you wait in line. This is called electioneering, and you aren’t allowed to do it, because it’s bad. In fact, if you want to be absolutely sure you won’t be seen as trying to sway someone’s vote, you should crumple up your ballot into a wad and then step on it.
2) Is a poll watcher trying to disenfranchise you by claiming you aren’t properly registered? If so, then you should shout, “Help, help, I’m being repressed!” in your best British accent.
3) If you are still undecided when you step into the booth, call David Sedaris and he will decide for you. And this time, he will make sure not to pick Nixon.
4) After you have voted, you can get a free cup of coffee from Starbucks. Obviously, this is only true if you vote Obama, since real Americans aren’t latte-sipping elitists. Starbucks is warning all Republicans that try to come in and get some coffee will have it thrown in their face and be forced to gay-marry the barista.
And finally, I am going to go out on a limb and try and predict the electoral vote total. With help from fivethirtyeight and 270towin.com, I will say that Obama takes Florida, Nevada and Ohio, but not Missouri or North Carolina, to come in at 338. If, by some chance, he doesn’t get Nevada, that’s 333, which is half of 666 and Obama is half-black and he’s obviously the anti-Christ!
But seriously, folks, I’ll be thrilled to bits if he just wins the darn thing. I think it will probably happen, but I am still afraid. So vote, if you haven’t already. And hold your breath with me, and maybe tomorrow history will be made.