Marriage of Heterosexual Couple Deemed Invalid by Popular Vote

Godless.

Godless.

RIVERSIDE, CALIF. — When Sean and Sheila Cannon went to bed last night, the heterosexual couple was considered married in the eyes of California. But that marriage was invalidated this morning with the news that Proposition 772.B had been approved by Golden State voters.

53 percent of voters approved the following measure, which was placed on the ballot after 94,000 signatures were collected in favor of declaring the Cannons unfit to be married.

“So be it declared that Sean Cannon, aged 39, and Sheila Cannon, aged 35, have their bond of matrimony wholly and utterly severed by the state of California, be it as Sean has been known to unnaturally lust after Sheila’s sister, Daphne Lilliard, aged 30, and also being as Sheila has been deceptive regarding her relations with her high school sweetheart, Terry Smith, aged 36, with whom Sheila has been exchanging e-mails and text messages of a highly sexual nature. These offenses violate the laws of matrimony as defined by members of certain church groups, meaning no such marriage should be tolerated.”

“Matthew 5:28 clearly states that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart,” said Mary Sims, a homemaker from Sacramento. “And the Internet isn’t even mentioned in the Bible, so I’m pretty sure Jesus disapproves. But now I know God is smiling upon us from above, knowing that we’re maintaining the sanctity of marriage and upholding his word.”

The child produced by Sean and Sheila in their now-invalid marriage, 7-year-old Lucy, was immediately declared illegitimate and further ordered taken away from her parents into an atmosphere more suited for children. Lucy is currently being held at the Saint Agatha’s Center for Children.

The group in favor of the proposition, Californians Against Sean and Sheila, (CASAS) disbanded and announced they were forming a new group, Californians Opposed to Larry and Megan, aimed at undoing the marriage of Larry and Megan Starks of Fresno, who, according to a news release, “entered into the bonds of marriage unclean and soiled in the eyes of God by each having had a previous sexual partner.”

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1 Comment

Filed under Fake News

One response to “Marriage of Heterosexual Couple Deemed Invalid by Popular Vote

  1. I am so stabby over this, but thanks for making me smile a little….Fake News FTW!

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