Desperate Dealership Draws Black Friday Mob

MARYVILLE, TENN. — One fatality and multiple injuries were reported Friday after Holmes Ford opened their gates to a swarm of people determined to take advantage of Black Friday specials.

The store’s sales manager promised advertised deals of $2,000 for every car on the lot would be honored: “Just get inside the car, take the keys and take them to one of our fine salesmen, and the car is yours.”

Chaos erupted when the gates opened at 6 a.m., as one woman wearing an ammo belt, machete and several guns screamed, “MOVE!” When no one did, she fired several warning shots into the air, one of which ricocheted and punctured the front right tire of a pickup.

Another woman tore off her clothes and sat inside a new Ford Explorer.

“Go ahead,” the nude woman said. “Just try and take it, bitches!”

One man threw his two-year-old son fifty yards in the direction of a Ford F-150.

“He touched it! It’s his!” the man said repeatedly as he approached the vehicle, where his son lay in the back of the cab, motionless.

“Come on Timmy! Get up! Stop being such a lazy baby and let’s go get the keys!”

But before the child could awaken, the car’s engine revved up and a 20-something man tore off the lot in the vehicle, a dazed Timmy still in the back.

The fatality occurred when a man in a Ford Mustang drove up to salesman Matt McGee, 30, and demanded he get the car for $1,900 instead of $2,000.

“Well, I don’t know,” McGee said. “Let me talk to my supervisor about-”

But before he could do that, the man accelerated, knocking McGee out of his way. No license plate number was recorded, as the car had none.

“We are very saddened by our friend and colleague’s death,” the dealership said in a statement. “McGee’s wife and children will receive the full $50 commission from the sale. However, this is the only way for our dealership to avoid going out of business. Or at least avoid having all our cars repossessed when we do go out of business.”

The naked woman inside the Explorer said she was buying it as a surprise for her husband.

“And I’m not giving it up,”said the woman, who refused to give her name. “Besides, I think my ass is stuck to the seats. I didn’t realize they were leather, but Bobby loves leather seats.

This is what Christmas is all about, right here.”

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2 Comments

Filed under Fake News

2 responses to “Desperate Dealership Draws Black Friday Mob

  1. AGreenEyeDevil

    Have you been to Maryville Lala?! What you’ve described is not THAT far-fetched!!

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