Infant Criticized for Post-Birth Weight

Fat slob.

Fat slob.

by lalaland13/Chief Celebrity Birth Correspondent

LOS ANGELES — The five-month old infant of two celebrities was criticized Tuesday for failing to get in shape after emerging from the birth canal.

Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, born in July to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, “is looking a might pudgy,” noted Star Magazine editor Penny Pegasus.

The criticism came as gossip tabloids found a new focus, talking less about “body after baby” and more about “baby after body.”

“Vivienne was a bit underweight at birth,” observed US Weekly editor Janice Min. “For a while, people were wondering if she was anorexic, or if perhaps she was stealing Knox’s strained carrots, then throwing them up and planting them in her diaper. Boy, did she prove us wrong! She’s gone from a healthy weight to a bit too healthy, if you know what I mean.”

Added Pegasus, “Before too long, we may have to put her on our cover with a cover line about how she’s CURVY AND PROUD, but what we’ll really indicate, through use of unflattering photos and other passive-aggressive tactics, is that she’s a fat ass and should be ashamed of herself.”

Experts said the criticism would stop if Vivienne would just get back to the sleek figure she displayed in ultrasounds.

“She’s a baby, what the hell else does she have to do?” said a noted gossip blogger who wished remain anonymous for fear the other Jolie-Pitt children would descend upon him in an angry mob. “She could at least lift a few mini-weights on the flight from New Orleans to France, ya know what I mean? If she has any sense, she’ll take up smoking soon to keep that scale happy.”

While twin brother Knox Leon has also been looking a bit husky, experts said he should still have no problem launching a career in show business. But women are required to remain within a few ounces each direction of the “ideal weight,” which remains a well-kept secret and is believed to be locked inside a safe somewhere in the offices of People Magazine.

“If Vivienne isn’t careful, in twenty years she’ll be getting dumped by Kingston Rossdale for being too chunky,” the blogger said. “This shit really is bananas.”

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1 Comment

Filed under Fake News, Media Whore

One response to “Infant Criticized for Post-Birth Weight

  1. Hilarious! I love the Fake News!

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