Have Yourself a Whorish Little Christmas

Planned Parenthood of Indiana has gotten some flack lately for their PP gift cards. The anti-abortion side says it dishonors the meaning of Christmas. The other side says only 5 percent of their services are abortion-related, and even vaginas need Christmas presents (paraphrasing just slightly).

I think we can all agree that PP really needs to just market themselves better. For instance, take a few traditional Christmas songs and change them up for the occasion. The Little Drummer Boy, for instance:

I am a poor whore too, ba rum pum pum pum
I have no IUD ba rum pum pum pum,
I can’t stop STDs ba rum pum pum

He said he would not come inside of me, ba rum pum pum pum
rum pum pum pum
I feel so dumb.

And what’s more joyous than good health care?

Joy to the world
I’m on the Pill
And dosed with Gardasil!

And heaven and Sanger sing
Because my pap smear’s clean
And heaven, and heaven and Sanger sing.

And of course, that Chipmunks classic:

Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for boys and time for beer.
I was good, he couldn’t last
Hurry Aunt Flo, hurry fast
I want some testing for myself
And Plan B for my bathroom shelf.
I can hardly stand the wait
Please Aunt Flo, don’t be late.

Alvin, you were a little flat! Watch it!

(The first song originally appeared in a comment by me on Jezebel. All songs by me, so please don’t steal em. Thanks).

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