by lalaland13/ Chief Ladyparts Correspondent
WASHINGTON — The Bush administration today announced new “right of conscience” regulations that expand the rights of health care workers who are uncomfortable with any and all aspects of their job that relate somehow to vaginas.
“There is no reason for good Christian doctors to think about vaginas now,” announced White House spokesman Caleb Derringer. “This includes the act of martial coupling, when they should recite Scripture to avoid being weakened by the fetus vessel.”
34-year-old Hannah Torres said her ob-gyn used the new rule at her last check-up, when he refused to either confirm or deny the existence of her vagina.
“He told me he objected to that line of questioning, and asked me to stop using that kind of language,” a puzzled Torres said.
In Little Rock, Ark., a woman told reporters she had been treated unfairly when she attempted to fill a prescription for birth control at her local Walgreens.
“This claim is wholly without merit,” Walgreens said in a statement. “Under the new rules, a pharmacist has every right to ring bells and chant ‘Unclean!’ when a female customer, especially an unmarried one, approaches and asks for fornication pills.”
The woman, 25-year-old Isabel Fuchs, also believes the playing of “Roxanne” over the store’s speakers was “not a coincidence.”
Physician Tim Riley said not only does he no longer have to give information or a referral to anyone who asks about abortion, he can now have any woman who inquires about her options taken to the back room for a beating.
“I can also call her husband and ask if he wants to administer the punishment himself,” Riley said. “Those are her options.”
Riley said he planned to deliver only male babies from now on, as males are declared by the Bible to be superior to females.
“My job as a doctor is to do God’s will,” he said. “If any female reproductive organs happen to get in the way of that, then all I can do is pray about it, because the oath I took for God is more important than any other I may or may not have taken.”
President-elect Barack Obama said he would do the best he could to overturn as many of the new rules as quickly as possible.
“A woman has the right to make her own decisions about health care,” Obama said during a press conference. “Those decisions should not be made for her, nor should someone hold her uterus hostage because of their personal beliefs.
And I mean that last part literally, as my staff has gotten some disturbing reports out of a clinic in South Dakota.”