by lalaland13/Chief Holiday Diamond Correspondent
COLUMBUS, GA. – For the eighth year in a row, married father Harold Warren went to Jared Quinn, the gay man down the street, for an hours-long visit.
“Happens every year,” said retiree Ellen Palmer, who lives across the street from Quinn. “He went to Jared, and I think Jared blew him.”
The Warrens have been married 13 years and have two children, 11-year-old Cynthia and 8-year-old Derek.
The holiday subterfuge happens every year around noon on Christmas Eve. Wife Cathy hurries off to do some last-minute shopping, dropping the kids off at her mother’s and instructing Harold to distribute the Christmas cookies to the neighbors while she’s gone.
“All I can say is, that Jared must really like cookies,” said Jared’s next-door neighbor Terry Cohen. “I mean, his appetite must be voracious. He must want to do nothing all day but eat cookies, off as many platters and in as many flavors as possible.”
Quinn danced around the issue, refusing to confirm or deny that he and Warren have a sexual relationship.
“It’s the holidays, and during the holidays, you want to spend time with your friends,” Quinn said. “Sometimes, in the name of friendship, you might perform certain acts that are rather sweaty in nature and considered abhorrent by certain religious groups.”
Later, Warren left the neighborhood to visit a local jewelry store, where he bought a diamond pendant for Cathy. This was followed by a trip to adult store Coming Soon, where he reportedly made additional jewelry purchases.
Kay Debuts Line of Jewelry Aimed At Shitty Husbands
Kay Jewelers, whose ads are ubiquitous around the holidays, announced a new line of diamond necklaces and rings designed to appeal to shitty husbands.
“We want husbands to remember that every kiss begins with Kay, and if you’ve upset your wife somehow, a diamond will do a lot to appease her and convince her to resume her marital duties,” said spokeswoman Leslie Fitch.
The line is geared primarily to two subgroups: men who beat their wives, and men who cheat on their wives.
“My husband fucked my sister,” said Marcy Jones, a 37-year-old mother of three. “But when he got me a necklace from the ‘Sorry My Penis Doesn’t Value You Like My Heart Does’ line, I melted, and gave him blow jobs every day for a week.”
In one case, a bracelet from the “My Fists Speak When My Soul Cannot” line prevented a man from being arrested.
According to a report from Portland, Ore., police, 44-year-old Will Summers brought his wife to a city park for a romantic evening, but became enraged when he saw her look briefly in another man’s direction. He began to assault her, spurring bystanders to call police.
But when officers arrived, they found 40-year-old Lila Summers gazing adoringly at her husband as he fastened a bracelet around her bruised wrist.
“Is this the one?” one officer asked her.
“Yes,” she said tenderly. “This is the one.” She then kissed her husband passionately, and officers were so overcome by the love shared in the moment, they left without making any arrests.
Next week, however, Will was arrested and Lila taken to a local hospital after he allegedly tried to choke her to death with the bracelet.
Disclaimer: If anyone actually thinks I’m suggesting jewelry companies promote domestic abuse, please see the “Satire” and “Fake News” tags below. I’m just sick of being bombarded with commercials that act like the height of romanticism is a diamond, and a woman who has a ring is the luckiest woman in the world. Not so, despite what Kay and Jared and Zales and such want you to think.