I like a lot of things about the new year, namely the, ya know, newness. What I don’t like so much is all the ads and articles advising me how to lose weight, get fit and stop being such a miserable person in the new year (I like being miserable, damnit!).
Subway is one of the worst offenders this year. They’ve often tried to convey the message that “Burgers make you fat and sad. Subway makes you skinny and happy.” I couldn’t find the most recent one, involving chairs collapsing and buttons popping off, but see below for a previous offender:
I know it’s probably useless to point out logical fallacies in commercials, since they’re intended to sell things first, and being truthful is about no. 81 on the list. But the button-popping ad, and others, reveal a pattern. Look, Subway does have about six or eight “low fat” sandwiches, as long as you avoid things like cheese and mayo. But I had a chicken bacon ranch sandwich for lunch. That’s not exactly low-fat, and I know it, and Subway knows it, but doesn’t care. They want you to feel shame as you wait in line at Big Butt Burgers, or whatever they like to call it. They want you to associate guilt with eating anywhere but Subway. Since obviously you aren’t made to feel ashamed enough about your body, especially if you’re a woman.
Not that losing weight/getting healthy isn’t a good goal, but Subway want to shame you into it (while also keeping those annoying “$5 foot-long” ads on). They want you to wear a scarlet and gold arch on your clothes, which are probably huge, because you’re a fattie who didn’t listen to Jared.
Now, I don’t want to come off as humorless, because I can appreciate a good joke. But I’ve had this message pounded into my brain for so long it’s hard to laugh anymore. Especially when the message seems to be eat at Subway or be publicly humiliated, albeit maybe not quite like these people, who are having their chairs break and their buttons pop off dramatically. Stop trying to guilt me into eating your damn food. It’s about as effective as the people who leave fliers on my car telling me I’m doomed to burn in H unless I go to (insert church here).
And honestly, Subway isn’t as healthy as they claim. Based on my experience, the freshness and cleanliness of your food varies wildly depending on where you go, when you go and whether or not the sandwich artist is on pot (OK, that last part is universal). I’ve had a few bad experiences, and go a lot less often than I used to.
Really, the healthiest thing would be to grow your own organic produce and make your own damn sandwiches with your own homemade bread. Otherwise, your boyfriend might break up with you and find someone who is skinny and does all those things. Her name is Hannah, and she is Amish.