La. Announces Plan to Bar Gays From Adopting Pets

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BATON ROUGE — Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal today urged support of a bill that would ban gays, lesbians and bicurious-shoe wearers from adopting cats, dogs and other pets.

“The only way to stop the homosexual agenda is to do this,” Jindal said at a press conference. “Dogs and cats do better in a home with a mom and a dad. It’s a proven scientific fact that Adam and Eve are better for Fluffy than Adam and Steve.”

Republican State Rep. Phil McDaven authored the bill currently under consideration by a legislative committee.

“It’s a slippery slope, and the moral fiber of America cannot afford to degrade any further,” McDaven said. “First Susan and her partner want to adopt a cat. Then they want to have sex with the cat. Then they want to take the cat with them on their pedophile picnic expeditions. Then they want to enter into plural marriages with the cat, a dog, and two gerbils.”

Under the proposed law, anyone suspecting of possessing a pet while being gay will be subject to a raid by local police. Evidence taken from residences will be used to determine if the pet-owner is gay, straight or just pathetically sad and alone to the point where they may as well be asexual.

The proposal worries Monroe resident Shelly Meredith, 31.

“I DVR Rachel Maddow’s show, and my iTunes library is full of music by people like Tegan and Sara and The Indigo Girls,” said Meredith, who identifies as heterosexual. “Plus, I have a large poster of Tina Fey on my wall. This isn’t going to bode well for people like me. Just last week, my mom asked me if I was sure I wasn’t gay.”

In response to Meredith’s concerns, McDaven said he plans to amend the bill so that people like her could be charged with possession of lesbian paraphernalia.

Bisexual people aren’t addressed in the bill, as Jindal previously issued a proclaiming declaring that bisexual people just need to stop being so greedy and pick one or the other.

The bill is expected to be voted on by the legislative panel as soon as one of its members, Republican Rep. Barry Pearl, returns from a trip to the men’s room.

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