Pageant Winner Fails Post-Competition Inspection

by lalaland13/Chief Pageant Correspondent

ANDERSON, IND. – The winner of the state’s 2009 Miss Purity Pageant was stripped of her title Saturday after failing a post-pageant inspection.

Jessica Keys, 19, was declared the winner in the annual pageant sponsored by the Southern Baptist Convention of Indiana. However, after undergoing a physical by a doctor, officials declared her a fake.

“I am saddened to report that Ms. Keys does not live up to the standards of the Miss Purity Pageant,” pageant chair Daniel Flack said in a statement. “And if you think we’re disappointed, well, imagine what her husband is going to feel like on their wedding night.”

A source said Keys has been seeing Steve Jenks, 20, for the past two years. The source was not sure if Jenks would do the honorable thing, noting “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Taking over the title of Miss Purity Indiana is Helena Derringer, 20, the runner-up in the pageant.

At a press conference, Derringer reveled in her new title.

“I’m happy to represent the moral values and purity of The Hoosier State,” Derringer said. “I’m also praying for Jessica, that she will see the light.”

Derringer thanked her family and Jesus, and singled out one other contestant, 21-year-old Dana Brookhaven, who sat next to Derringer at the press conference.

“Dana and I have grown close over the course of the pageant, and I am honored to call her my friend. I know we’re going to be together forever.”

She then grabbed Brookaven’s right breast, then clarified that she did that “in a purely platonic way.”

Derringer will now go onto the Miss Purity America pageant in Colorado Springs, where she will compete against 49 other contestants to be the top virgin in America.

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2 Comments

Filed under Fake News

2 responses to “Pageant Winner Fails Post-Competition Inspection

  1. bebehblog

    Did you watch the Duggar wedding last night? Purity is my second least favorite word right now. Modesty might be number one.

  2. cate3710

    Choosing gymnastics done on horseback as her talent was clearly a mistake.

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