by lalaland13/Senior Theme Park Writer
LAKE BUENA VISTA, FLA – In an effort to make an unpleasant life change “a little more magical,” Walt Disney World today announced new ways for spouses to divorce each other through the special world of Disney.
“We already have Disney Weddings, and Disney Divorces just allows us to be there for another unique and special time in a person’s life,” said Disney spokeswoman Renee Mellon.
Among the new experiences Disney offers divorcing couples:
– A hunter will approach one spouse discreetly and ask if they want them to bring their soon-to-be-ex’s heart to them. If the spouse says yes, it’s off into the forest for our rugged and burly, yet morally conflicted, hunter Disney is not responsible if hunter doesn’t bring back the heart, and/or if the spouse is found in a faraway hut years later, living with a group of strangely diminutive men.
– The cast of High School Musical will sing one of several specially-adapted classic Disney songs as they serve one party with divorce papers. Available songs include “Diss the Girl,” “A Whole New Whore” and “Circle of Strife.”
– The person you formally pledged to love forever and ever can now be stampeded to death by an elegant horse-drawn carriage.
-A red-faced and plump woman in regal dress can follow your spouse around the park shouting “Off with their head!”
-Gay couples who are divorcing will not be allowed to participate in this program, as their sadness is not officially recognized as legitimate. They will also be forced to the back of all lines in the park and told to wait until the other park-goers vote to allow them on Space Mountain.