Disney Offers New Divorce Packages

by lalaland13/Senior Theme Park Writer

LAKE BUENA VISTA, FLA – In an effort to make an unpleasant life change “a little more magical,” Walt Disney World today announced new ways for spouses to divorce each other through the special world of Disney.
“We already have Disney Weddings, and Disney Divorces just allows us to be there for another unique and special time in a person’s life,” said Disney spokeswoman Renee Mellon.
Among the new experiences Disney offers divorcing couples:
– A hunter will approach one spouse discreetly and ask if they want them to bring their soon-to-be-ex’s heart to them. If the spouse says yes, it’s off into the forest for our rugged and burly, yet morally conflicted, hunter Disney is not responsible if hunter doesn’t bring back the heart, and/or if the spouse is found in a faraway hut years later, living with a group of strangely diminutive men.
– The cast of High School Musical will sing one of several specially-adapted classic Disney songs as they serve one party with divorce papers. Available songs include “Diss the Girl,” “A Whole New Whore” and “Circle of Strife.”
– The person you formally pledged to love forever and ever can now be stampeded to death by an elegant horse-drawn carriage.
-A red-faced and plump woman in regal dress can follow your spouse around the park shouting “Off with their head!”
-Gay couples who are divorcing will not be allowed to participate in this program, as their sadness is not officially recognized as legitimate. They will also be forced to the back of all lines in the park and told to wait until the other park-goers vote to allow them on Space Mountain.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Fake News

2 responses to “Disney Offers New Divorce Packages

  1. Ben

    haha, i hope its the fat chick from “The Gossip”. Or my mom. Both would do.

  2. AGreenEyeDevil

    Since homicide is a recurring theme in the Disney Divorce Package, can we be expecting the Disney Funeral Package in the near future?! Since dying is one of the most expensive things you can do, aside from throwing a wedding, I would think Disney would be all over that business opportunity.

    I’m sure you’ll keep us posted Lala… 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s