by lalaland13/Euphemistic Correspondent
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — A new law requires teenage boys to obtain parental consent before masturbating.
The law passed overwhelmingly in the Missouri House and Senate, and went into effect April 1. Under the terms of the bill, any teen who does not get parental consent can be charged with sexual abuse of a minor, meaning they have committed a felony against themselves.
“It’s high time young men realized what they’re doing everytime they do that…thing,” said House Speaker Robert Toole, R-Fulton.
There were some difficulties in writing the bill, as many conservative members of the state legislature held their hand over their ears and prayed during a study session for the bill.
The final version includes a 24-hour waiting period before boys can masturbate. They must also be given a pamphlet detailing some scientifically questionable effects of masturbation, such as blindness, hairy palms and an increased risk of breast cancer. They are also advised that no one can coerce them into masturbating against their will.
Mother of five Jenna Pells lobbied for the bill, and said she was pleased that “Missouri is returning to our traditional values.”
“I have four boys, and let me tell you, they would never do something this ungodly,” Pells said. “But I know other mothers have lusty and hormone-crazed sons, and this will protect them from their own unnatural urges.”
Pells said she tells her sons that each “sinful act of self-glorification” leaves them less able to satisfy their future wives.
25-year-old Winston Sorrfers of Kansas City agrees and said he is a recovering “self-glorifier.”
“I had strong feelings of regret and sadness after each incident,” Sorrfers said. “No one told me I had other options apart from unholy handiness.”
A 16-year-old Columbia boy who did not wish to be named was unhappy with the bill, saying he now had no choice but to do it in the car on the way home.
“That’s not illegal, is it?” the boy asked. “I mean, as long as I don’t use my cell phone during it.”
Self-pleasuring girls were not mentioned in the bill, as one state representative said: “We don’t want to give them any ideas.”