by lalaland13/Chief Contagious Correspondent
FAYETTEVILLE, ARK. – Scientists in hazard suits swarmed the University of Arkansas campus today in an attempt to contain the growing swine flu health crisis.
“We’ve received word of thousands of pigs on campus here,” said Henry Chester with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “We have to quarantine them and, in some cases, eliminate them entirely.”
The campus is home to the Arkansas Razorbacks, a mysterious breed that can talk and learn and drink large quantities of hard liquor, and whom are famous for their chant of “Woo pig sooie!” But scientists say it’s also a breeding ground for the highly contagious disease, and note that cases began to emerge in Mexico right after the university’s spring break.
Reports of loud and belligerent swines were made at a fraternity house just off-campus. Razorbacks, some of whom were drunk, were taken to a remote location where they could be analyzed and studied for signs of disease. Those were resisted were shot immediately.
Other Razorbacks started hiding out or fleeing town.
“This is scary,” said one Razorback who claimed he played the sport of football on a scholarship. “I have to get out of here. They don’t understand…oh God, no one understands! We’re not diseased! Well, this one girl named Sharla might be. But she’s slept with basically the whole team.”
The flu may be a mix of bird and swine flus, and authorities hauled off head football coach Bobby Petrino to be destroyed, as he claimed he was once a falcon in Atlanta before becoming a razorback.