by lalaland13/Morality and Values Correspondent
PLANTERSVILLE, TEXAS — Authorities in this small Texas town said crime and immorality has stopped completely since the Ten Commandments were posted on the county courthouse lawn three months ago.
“I can’t arrest anybody,” lamented Police Chief Butch Foreman. “They’re all in church.”
Six months ago, the county judge led an effort to allocate $5,000 in taxpayer funds to the a large stone tablet of the Ten Commandments.
“People need to be reminded that this is America, and we’re a Christian nation with Christian values,” County Judge Jay Erickson said at the time.
While some outsiders suggested the city and county would be opening themselves up to lawsuits, that hasn’t happened. In fact, all of the town’s lawyers renounced their litigious ways in favor of becoming missionaries in Africa.
“We were concerned about the direction of our nation,” said the town’s mayor, Linda Joyner. “We wanted to let people know that we need to return to the roots of our nation’s founding fathers, who attended church every Sunday and then went to picket at the Gentleladies Clinic of the Colonies.”
The closet the town came to experiencing crime recently was when an avowed atheist from the next county over went to the bank across the street from the courthouse, fully intent on robbing it.
“But then I saw that big stone tablet and I said, oh golly, Lord, forgive me,'” said the would-be robber. “Then I went over there and started praying. Gave my weapons to a little girl on the street, asked her to pray for me.”
A man who asked to remain anonymous said he was on his way to the Ramada Inn to fornicate with his mistress when he passed the courthouse and realize the error of his ways.
“Then I went back to my wife and said, ‘Honey, God is telling me I should be fruitful and multiply with you,” the man said. “Our fourth kid is due this winter.”
The town has the most churches per capita in the state, but town officials warned people would go back to their godless ways without a large and visible reminder of God’s presence. Two weeks after these interviews were conducted, a large windstorm blew over the monument, obstructing the Commandments. In the hours before it could be righted, police reported 18 homicides, 12 armed robberies and 34 divorce filings.