Senators Accuse Sotomayor of Stealing American Jobs

by lalaland13/Chief Lady Judge Correspondent

WASHINGTON — Several Republican Senators treated U.S. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor with open hostility and derision today, with one even accusing Sotomayor of “stealing the jobs of hard-working Americans.”

“Whether it’s at the chicken plant or on the highest court in the land — you know you have been nominated to the Supreme Court, right Consuela? — there are plenty of hard-working white Americans who would love to have jobs, but affirmative action keeps taking it away from them,” Republican Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma said. “Say I was 38 weeks pregnant and go to the chicken plant and try and get a job. Not only will some wise Latina woman take it from me, they’ll also probably kill my unborn child and take away my guns.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham, Republican from South Carolina, said he was not sure of Sotomayor’s qualifications.

“We need someone who makes decisions based on law, not silly girly things like emotion and empathy,” Graham said. “I’m not sure all the Midol in the world is enough to keep you from judicial activism. Especially without a husband to keep you in check.”

Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama agreed.

“There’s no place for empathy on the court,” he said. “What you need is a penis, actually. And I don’t see any evidence of one in your background.”

Graham conceded Sotomayor is almost certain to be seated on the Court.

“You’d have to have some sort of meltdown,” he said. “Or maybe be deported. If I gave you 15 minutes to produce proof of American citizenship would you be able to? And what about this sandwich you made me this morning? I asked for honey mustard, and you gave me regular mustard. And you should care what I think about that, because if you get on the Supreme Court and make Justice Alito’s sandwich wrong, he’s not going to be as nice about it as I am.”

The hearing recessed until the afternoon when Ruth Bader Ginsburg, currently the only female Supreme Court justice, emerged from the gallery and whacked Graham in the balls with her gavel.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Senators Accuse Sotomayor of Stealing American Jobs

  1. “What you need is a penis, actually. And I don’t see any evidence of one in your background.”

    Hilarious.

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