WASHINGTON — The Transportation Security Administration announced that, following test screenings at airports around the nation, all women will now be required to remove intrauterine devices, or IUDs, from their vaginas before boarding their flight.
“As we’ve seen in Iraq and Afghanistan, IUDs can be used to injure, maim and kill U.S. troops,” said a TSA press release. “We can no longer allow this vaginal atrocity to pass through our nation’s airports.”
While IUDs like Mirena are designed to be inserted and removed by a trained medical professional, TSA said they have fully prepared their staffers in case some women don’t want to remove it themselves.
“If a woman comes through and a security screening reveals the presence of a jihad stick in her babymaker, rather than hold up the line as she extracts it herself, she may be asked to step aside and be taken to a private booth,” TSA spokesman Fred Barton said. “If a person wearing white gloves and asking you to hold still as thousands of travelers mill about outside the curtain isn’t enough for you, we’re not sure what you want, really.”
Planned Parenthood released a statement calling the TSA decision “an outrageous violation of women’s bodily autonomy” as well as “a dumbass move.”
“Men carrying condoms would not face nearly the level of scrutiny as women who are trying to look out for their sexual health,” the statement said.
TSA officials were dismissive of the outcry.
“If we start telling terrorists that we’re not going to care about women with birth control devices, then pretty soon they’ll start sending people in with bombs up the hoo-ha, and we’ll have only ourselves to blame,” said TSA Vice President Ronnie Sherman. “These people want to kill us. Besides, real men don’t wear condoms. Everyone knows that.”
In a related story, visibly pregnant women will be required to remove their fetus and place it on the conveyor belt to be X-rayed. TSA promises to put the fetus back just like they found it, once they’re confident the fetus is not in possession of any weapons of mass destruction, fingernail clippers or box cutters. Gametes and some zygotes will be exempt from such screenings.
TSA is currently working with MIT engineers to develop a high-tech device that allows security to detect the presence of gay men as they go through the lines. This comes amid reports that Osama bin Laden is planning to use the asses of homosexuals to store explosives.