I’m eating applesauce for dinner. Can I be on your game show?

CBS.com photo

CBS.com photo

You know what I need? I need to win a million dollars. Or even a few thousand would do. I have student loans, and I majored in liberal arts, and have a salary befitting a liberal arts major. So yes. I would like some money. And I somehow managed to turn on Deal or No Deal this afternoon (the syndicated kind) and the grandma on there kind of annoyed me. Not in the “needs to go to a death panel” way or anything, but eh. Howie Mandel also strikes me as a jerk. So maybe not that show, although it seems like you need a lot of dumb luck more than anything. Which is why my friend over at Bebeh Blog had to wait in line with her baby for so long, he had hit puberty by the time she got up there.

Let’s see, then. I googled “Game show auditions” and came up with this site. So some other possibilities:

Jeopardy: Called “among the most challenging of all game shows.” This one is probably out, because I’d just stand there gaping when categories like “Calculus and the Napoleonic Wars” came up. I’m a pop culture freak, a weather nerd, a sports junkie. I love psychology and uh, liberal arts thingies. But science and math? I’m not so good at. And I always feel sorry for the girl who is at negative $3,000. And the scary part is, those people still got through the crazy audition tests, only to be knocked flat by the categories.

Wheel of Fortune: This one might not be bad. A lot of people audition, though. But I like spelling, I guess? But Pat Sajak does nothing for me. He doesn’t really irritate me like Howie Mandel, but strikes me as kind of old. This whole game is kind of old, actually. And the role of Vanna is kind of outdated, but hey, she’s making her money. Just like the girls who hold suitcases on Deal or No Deal make theirs.

Million Dollar Password: Can I play with the lovely Betty White and get her to autograph my Golden Girls DVDs? If so, yes, please. Supposedly one of the questions they ask is “How would $1 million change your life?” Well, I could stop taking it in the rear from Sallie Mae. How bout that, Regis?

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: I would actually rather be on the syndicated version with Meredith Viera than the recent prime-time version with Regis. For one, I think he’s getting senile. For two, Meredith seems like she does well with putting people at ease. She seems like a cool lady in general. I think a pop culture knowledge might do me more good here than on Jeopardy. You have to know stuff, but you can generally put up more of a run without knowing say, quantum physics.

Let’s Make a Deal: This is a new one for fall-well, a new version of an old game show. What intrigues me is it’s being hosted by Wayne Brady. What doesn’t intrigue me is the costume-wearing you must do. Would it work if I just quoted lines from that 30 Rock episode he guested on? And if I don’t like him, it doesn’t mean I’m racist. Some women are gay.

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