Congressman Attempts to Light Obama’s Pants on Fire

Time.com image

Time.com image

by lalaland13/Chief Death Panel Correspondent

Republican South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson apologized today for attempting to approach President Obama with a match last night and set his trousers on fire.

“While I firmly believe anyone who claims that illegals will not receive the organs of senior citizens murdered by death panels is a big ‘ole liar, I realize that attempting to start a fire was not the best way to express those views,” Wilson said in a statement.

After Wilson shouted “You lie!” at Obama, the president replied, “That’s not true” and went on with his speech. But a moment later, Obama paused and looked over his shoulder to see Wilson being simultaneously sprayed with mace by Nancy Pelosi, tackled by Secret Service agents. Wilson was also gored by Obama’s official security unicorn, Cornelius, who also gives Sasha and Malia rides to school each day.

Earlier that night Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), burst into tears as he held up a sign that read “What bill?”

“I’m just scared for America,” he said. “I’m scared of what this black man — uh, I mean Muslim — is trying to do to us. If he gets his way, we’ll all be required to speak African or be denied health care.” Gohmert also brought his gun into the building, but said it was not meant to be threatening and he just wanted to make sure Obama didn’t “mess with Texas.”

Rep. Henry Waxman, a California Democrat, said he was disgusted by Republican outbursts.

“I would suggest that maybe these people seek some therapy or other medical treatment,” Waxman said. “However, insurance companies might deny them based on failure to reveal any prior diagnosis of batshit insane. That’s why we need health care reform, so insane people can get help rather than be allowed to serve in Congress.”

The next day, the group People Against Other Sick People released a television ad condemning Obama.

“What’s the matter, Mr. President?” taunts a male voice as images of crying old people are shown. “Why are you trying to oppress our Constitutional right to disagree with our leaders by lighting them ablaze? If you can’t stand the heat, maybe you should get out of the kitchen!”

Sen Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) insisted his party wants to work with the president on health care.

“What we, and the white Christian people of America want, is for Obama to drop this plan for health care and start over,” Grassley said. “By start over, I mean forget this whole ridiculous exercise and apologize to the insurance companies for hurting their feelings.”

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