Can we talk about your homosexual lifestyle later? My straight, God-sanctioned marriage is in trouble.

by Jolene Dartman
Stay-at-home mom, nursery coordinator at Tarrington Road Free Will Baptist Church

Hey! I know it’s been a while since we chatted and you might be wondering why I messaged you on Facebook. I know the last time we talked didn’t go so good, when I invited you to my church’s after-graduation celebration, and you said no, and I said well God would want you to go, and you said what the freak does that mean, except you didn’t say freak, and then I said God can cure you of this if you want, and you threw your graduation hat at me and flipped me off. But let’s not talk about the abomination that is your chosen lifestyle, shall we?

No, you see, Mitch up and left me the other week. I been trying to get him back, trying to tell him that what God had brought together no man should part, or woman either, including that tramp Kandace down at the Dairy Queen. But he refuses. Apparently those vows we took the week after graduation meant nothing to him. The fact that I’ve had two of his babies in three years also means nothing. I want him to go to counseling with our preacher, but he refuses. He says he’s not sure if he’s attracted to me no more, and we haven’t made love-although I tell you, he used another word that I didn’t approve of and neither does Jesus- since Jordan was a newborn anyway. He also made some crude comments about my anatomy that I won’t repeat.

I don’t know what he doesn’t get about the sanctity of marriage. Both of us have always agreed that marriage is in crisis, and that’s why we can’t let two dudes go off and get married. It’s Adam and Eve, after all, not Adam and Steve. I know these men don’t really want to marry each other anyway. They’re just mad at God and using him as a scapegoat for their problems, instead of turning to him for salvation. God is testing them, that’s all, and they turn away from Jesus even when His arms are open wide.

I’m sorry, you may not want to hear that. But it’s God’s Word, and I follow it, and I hope we can still be friends anyway.

What’s that? Don’t get mad at me. I want you to be there for me in my time of need. And God wants to be there for you in your time of need as well.

Listen, here’s my point: I told Mitch I’d do anything to save our marriage, because he’s my husband and I love him and I can’t get by on my own. He said there might be one way to spice up our love life. When he told me what it was, I wanted to scream, but I just prayed real hard. Then I thought I might ask you what you thought about it. I mean, do I need to worry about, you know? You know more about this than me. I can’t let my marriage fail-I mean, I don’t think Taco Bueno will take me back after so long. But I don’t want to displease God either.

What do you think? And stop looking at me like that. I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about it. We’re going to just have to agree to disagree.


Filed under Fake News

3 responses to “Can we talk about your homosexual lifestyle later? My straight, God-sanctioned marriage is in trouble.

  1. bebehblog

    This is the most brilliant thing you’ve ever written. I’m breathless with laughter.

    • lalaland13

      Thanks, dear. I’ve been feeling cruddy tonight, but that makes my day. It’s loosely based on a true story, sadly. Didn’t happen to me, but did to someone else I know and love.

  2. precipice

    I feel like this would be a really great monologue for an audition. Brava on the piece, it’s great!

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