Evangelicals Horrified by House Filled with Gays, Fornicators

The demonic host.

The demonic host.

by lalaland13/Holy Moly Reporter

TYLER, TEXAS – Members of the Holy Word of God Evangelical Christian Church were shaking and crying Friday as they emerged from a “happy house” that includes scenes of tolerance and equality.

Church members thought they would get tips on how to make their own Halloween “hell house,” which warns against homosexuality, abortion, premarital sex and other sins.

Instead they were greeted at the door by known homosexual Neil Patrick Harris, who announced he would be their host for the evening.

“As if that wasn’t bad enough, then we, we were forced to watch scenes from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ as we waited in line,” fumed mother of two Elizabeth Laurent. “That show is an atrocity! I don’t want someone teaching my kids that you can like girls on TV but like men in your private life. That just confuses and scares them.”

The group was then ushered into a room where they were forced to watch behind a glass partition as a young college student walked into a local Planned Parenthood clinic for an abortion. There were no protesters waving signs in her faces or threatening to call her parents. Nor did anyone wave a bloody, medically inaccurate fetus doll in her face.

“Where’s the part where the evil abortionist laughs as she bleeds to death in the exam room?” demanded 23-year-old Darren Flores. “What about when the voice of God speaks to her through the fetus she just tossed in the trash can? What kind of sick place is this?”

In the next room, a young, 20-something male and female were shown kissing passionately on a shabby living room sofa before exiting to a bedroom. The male had a pack of condoms in his hand as he closed the door.

The sight was enough to make 17-year-old Dawn Jasper cover her face with her hands.

“I can’t look,” she said. “Doesn’t she know that everytime you have sex before marriage, you give a part of yourself to that man, and that’s one less part of you to have when you try to get married? Who wants damaged goods?”

Moans of pleasure could be heard from behind the door, prompting Jasper to cover her ears and shriek, “That poor girl! Her husband is going to be so disappointed on their wedding night.”

Additional vignettes showed repulsive images like people over 21 going into a local liquor store and buying Maker’s Mark bourbon, an interracial couple getting married in front of smiling friends and family, Ellen DeGeneres judging American Idol, public school students not being led in organized prayer before a football game and an elderly lesbian being allowed into a hospital ICU to see her dying wife, a union recognized by all 50 states and the federal government.

“They should let a Man of God in, not her!” taunted church deacon Fred McGee. “That way she can repent from her sins.”

The tour closed with a performance from Lady Gaga, which shocked and terrified the churchgoers, all of whom agreed that the performer should change her name to “Lady GodGod” and get rid of “those Satan bubbles.”

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3 Comments

Filed under Fake News

3 responses to “Evangelicals Horrified by House Filled with Gays, Fornicators

  1. HORRORS!!!
    Although, truthfully, I’m a little terrified by Lady Gaga too.

  2. “I don’t want someone teaching my kids that you can like girls on TV but like men in your private life. That just confuses and scares them.”

    Awesome!

  3. ben

    ELLEN DEGENERES HOSTING AMERICAN IDOL ROTFFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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