Study: Sports on TV Makes Men Impotent

by lalaland13/Head Pharmaceutical Correspondent

COLUMBUS, OHIO — Ohio State University researchers announced today that the number of TV sporting events watched directly correlates with a man’s ability to get it up.
Lead researcher Samantha Staten said she wondered if there was a connection after watching football one Sunday with her boyfriend.

“Every commercial break, there was some Viagra or Cialis or Levitra commercial,” she said. “My boyfriend laughed, but then later that night he had some troubles in the bedroom.”

Viagra spokeswoman Delia Vance refused to say if the glut of commercials were an effort to psych out penises and expand their customer base.

“All we want to do is remind people about our medications,” she said. “I don’t see how a barrage of clips insisting that almost everyone has erection problems and could benefit from a pill that probably won’t make them go blind and might lead to sexy leisure-suit wearing is a bad thing.”

For female sports fans, there might be another troubling problem.

“After the 80th Cialis commercial, I suddenly lost any and all desire to ever be near a penis,” said 35-year-old mother of two Vivian McAllister of Cincinnati. “I was just so sick of thinking about limp dicks. When my husband and I had relations, it was hard to enjoy it because of that godforsaken “Viva Viagra” song that played constantly in my head. I went to a showing of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ and had an awakening.”

McAllister has since left her family and moved in with her new girlfriend.

“It’s much easier having sex when both of you have genitals that are pretty much totally ignored by advertisers,” she said.

Levita tried to work out an endorsement deal with some star NFL players, but that was quickly scuttled after Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco received nine excessive celebration penalties in one game and was also fined $100,000 by the FCC.

For his part, Staten’s boyfriend, 38-year-old professor Wes Smallwood, insisted the incessant ads did not bother him, especially since he never has any problems screwing ladies.

“If I want a halftime quickie and one of those ads encouraging me to talk to my doctor about erectile dysfunction comes on, I just ignore it,” Smallwood said. “I’m secure enough about my masculinity to not even bother seeing a doctor like, ever.”

The makers of the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game have capitalized on the study’s findings and announced that they will start selling special D&D condoms, “since our customer base might actually need them now.”

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