NEW YORK – New York Yankees officials said today that the paramour of star player Alex Rodriguez, Oscar-nominated hot actress Kate Hudson, is being held in an undisclosed location until the Yankees win the World Series.
“We let her watch the first two games, then had to politely ask her to come with us,” said Yankees director of security Jared Wade. “She resisted and tried to call Kurt Russell and Jay-Z for help, but we eventually subdued her with a Taser.”
Team officials said Hudson must be kept guarded so she cannot do something to wound A-Rod’s fragile psyche.
“We’re not concerned that she’ll break up with him, necessarily,” said team manager Joe Girardi. “I mean, she loves attention and we’re about to win the freakin’ World Series. But she might be seen laughing and giggling with another man, or listening to Madonna music. Both of those things could rattle A-Rod, and he’s already having a so-so series.”
A source says during the ALCS, A-Rod started crying and cursing God after seeing Hudson locked in an embrace with a short, long-haired male.
“Shit, it took forever to convince him that was her freakin’ son,” a source who asked to remain anonymous and who is definitely not Johnny Damon said.
The Yankees are not sure what they’ll do with Hudson if the World Series returns to the Bronx. But they know what will happen if the Yankees win their 27th championship.
“They’ll have to get married,” a source said. “I mean, we’ve already been assuring him that yes, yes, Kate wants to marry you, A-Rod. Of course she does. You’re A-Rod, man!”
The team expects Hudson and A-Rod to sign a pre-nup mandating that she can never ever ask for a divorce, but he can do so if she gets old and stops being hot. She wiill also be forbidden from demanding he focus on her pleasure during sex, as such a request will only confuse and distract him.
In a related story, the Phillies were working to have former A-Rod love Madonna sing the national anthem before Game 5.