Drunk Driver Called Home to Jesus

MACON, GA. – Jarrett Lonoke was called to Heaven Saturday by his Heavenly Father, as well as Pabst Blue Ribbon, his family announced.

“The Lord called Jarrett to heaven at the tender young age of 23,” mother Eva said. “We can do nothing but accept that God, in his infinite wisdom, made Jarrett get inside that Chevy S-10 and start driving after consuming 10 or 12 beers at a party.”

Girlfriend Madison Wyatt said she tried to stop Lonoke from driving home, telling him she could call a cab.

“But then his friend Pete said no no he can drive fine, he’s not a pussy,'” Wyatt recalled. “I guess God was speaking through Pete that night.”

Wyatt said her boyfriend of two years was a kind and caring person despite his tendency to drink “every now and then.”

“Once he saw me at a party talking to another guy and he came over to me and told me, very quietly, that I needed to stop before people assumed I was a whore,” she said. “He said if something happened to me because of some idea that some other guy got, it wouldn’t be his problem. I was so glad he cared.”

The Rev. Benjamin Mounds of Oakdale Baptist Church eulogized Lonoke as committed to his faith regardless of how many obstacles God or Main Street Liquor placed in his path.

“He came to church every Sunday morning, no matter how much his head hurt,” Mounds said. “Yet you can’t come to church when your child is sick with the swine flu? Shame on you all.”

Also killed when Lonoke’s truck veered over the center line and into oncoming traffic was 30-year-old mother of two Trisha Fillmore, who was also part of God’s plan.

“God didn’t want to send Jarrett to Heaven alone,” Mounds proclaimed. “So he took Trisha, too. And Trisha was so happy to be with Jesus that she wouldn’t even want to go back and raise her 4-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter.”

Sources close to Heaven say God “needed a drunk angel” for the other angels to play pranks on.

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