AUGUSTA, MAINE – By a 52-48 margin, voters passed a referendum Tuesday banning old people from entering into a state of matrimony after their 65th birthday.
Organizers gathered hundreds of thousands of signatures of people who wanted to ban those over 60 from getting it on in a state-sanctioned union. After the signatures were certified by the Secretary of State, each side began airing commercials that attempted to sway the public to their point of view.
“Do we really want old Mrs. Fletcher telling her third-graders about what her husband did to her last night?” asked a snide voice in one of the No Matrimony for Seniors ads. “The Bible says no bumpin’ uglies unless you’re making babies. Do we want children to think sex is something to be enjoyed?”
Such ads convinced 32-year-old father of two Ridley Carter.
“This is icky,” he said. “If old people want to live together like that, I don’t see why they have to shove it in our faces. I have plenty of old friends, but I prefer to think of them as cheerful, sexless beings who bake lots of cookies and give out $5 bills at Christmas, not go around humping on the bingo table at the Senior Inn.”
Experts said a rash of publicity for drugs like Viagra and Levitra led people to realize just how many old people are able to have sexytimes nowadays. While senior citizens are traditionally one of the more reliable voting blocs, Election Day coincided with state’s annual Polka and Bowling Fest, featuring the fiercely competitive Grandchild Bragging Contest.
68-year-old widower Frank Delbano said he’ll have to abandon plans to marry his sweetheart, 66-year-old Wendy Mitchell.
“We found comfort in each other’s arms after our spouses died,” he said. “We never thought to find such a love again, but then we-”
Delbano was cut off then by the sounds of a dozen reporters puking.