You can have some canned goods after you apologize to Jesus.

by Jeb Hines, senior pastor, Second Street Assembly of God

Well, they’re all in their seats, all 1,000 of em. We’ve been getting big crowds ever since the Muslim got elected and ruined the economy. But enough politics. It’s about time to go out and welcome these people Christmas Gift and Grocery Giveaway! They’re all going to get gifts and food in a moment. But first, I’m going to tell them about a friend of mine who would also like to be a friend of theirs. His name is Jesus Christ.

Now, that might make some of them fidget in their seats, a bit uncomfortable, and wondering why this wasn’t mentioned on the signs my secretary Margaret posted all over town. Well, it’s gonna be really uncomfortable in hell, so for the sake of their eternal soul, they better sit back and listen.

Anyway, a few people in the congregation have expressed concern that this is a bit of an underhanded way to do things. They say maybe we should help them with their more basic needs, then encourage them to think of us if they have any other needs or desires. Well, what is a more basic need than their salvation? The key is to get them in the presence of God, where they can be changed and born again. If God told me “Jeb, I want you to pretend like you’re hosting a meet-and-greet with some of those kids from Twilight, then preach to them my Word,” well,I would do it, because once you get to hell, there’s no one around to give you some Rice-a-Roni.

Once I had a man in the crowd heckling me. I told him Jesus loved him. He said he was hungry and diabetic and had called ahead and was told he could get insulin. I said yes, sir, yes you can, in just a second, but Jesus could return any minute now for the Rapture, so this is important. He passed out a couple of minutes later, but when he emerged from his coma, he became one of our congregation’s most active members.

A couple of times, we’ve had people get up in leave in the middle of my sermon. That’s very rude, but if they won’t listen to reason, we’ll keep calling the phone numbers they helpfully provided us with upon registration. We may even drive by their house once or twice in our nice Search and Rescue van that was donated by Henry Motors. It’s just how Jesus did it in Biblical times. We aren’t calling to them; Christ is. We’re just the messenger.

Maybe some of these people thought we would feed and shelter them and ignore their spiritual needs. Well, they’re wrong. That’s not how Jesus’ mercy works. Jesus would chide them for their life choices first, then give them some Great Value crunchy peanut butter. I suppose some of these needy people could have other church homes, but really, how likely is that? Their lack of belief is probably what led to their financial troubles anyway. Research shows that employers can spot wayward souls very early on in the interview process. They are much more likely to hire grounded souls, since no Christian has ever committed any sort of criminal offense against his employer.

I tell you what. I’m in a good mood today, and I don’t do this often, but once this is all over, I’m going to take anyone willing to get baptized tonight to Golden Corral for dinner afterward. It’s the Christian thing to do.

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