A guide to changes in Texas textbooks

cartoon by Ben Sargent

The Texas Board of Education has come under fire recently for its revisions to history, economy, geography and government textbook standards for students in one of the nation’s largest textbook markets. Critics say Republicans on the board are distorting history to match the views the conservative members hold. A look at what Texas textbooks will say after the changes are made:

-Texas might have won the Battle of the Alamo had Davy Crockett’s wife not kept nagging her husband; historians agree that she was most likely on the rag.

-Texas has 254 counties divided into four geographical regions: much of East Texas will be known as Texas Proper for its old-time values, including high church attendance, the refusal to allow women to vote and the highest proportion of white sheets sold per capita in the state. South Texas will be Tex Mex, because those damn Mexicans are taking over and need to learn to speak English. West Texas will be Oilville, while a stretch of land from Waco to Dallas will be Bushland. Austin will not officially be recognized, except as The Hippie Communist Mecca.

-Austin will not be listed as the state’s “true” capital, due to its general godlessness. The State Board is currently debating considering listing Amarillo, home of militant church group Repent Amarillo, as the “true” capital because several members “like their style.”

– Texas does not execute innocent people and never has; that Cameron Todd Willingham guy may not have technically set his house on fire and killed his children, but he had a buncha tattoos and probably took the Lord’s name in vain so many times that it was only a matter of time before God Himself struck him down.

– Students must study such great American thinkers as Phyllis Schlafly, who is one of the few women to exist who managed to be both a non-whore and not annoying. Female students will be encouraged to examine ways in which they might manage to grow up and not be slutty.

-The history of sports will be looked at with a section on the great Texas A&M-University of Texas football rivalry, which has coincidentally been won by the Aggies for 80 years straight.

– There is no such thing as separation of church and state, and it doesn’t matter what Thomas Jefferson may have said, because there was no such person as a “Thomas Jefferson.” In fact, most of the Founding Fathers donated to Focus on the Family and picketed at the Gentlewoman’s Clinic of New England on Fridays.

– Texas is a special place with a unique cultural identity, and scientists have announced that men in Texas have the biggest penises in the nation, as evidenced by the large pickup trucks many of them drive.

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