Cuts Force Media to Reduce Coverage That Destroys America

My job as a reporter is nearing its end, so I thought I’d draw attention to a major yet unreported problem with media today.

Media companies are being forced to reduce coverage that destroys America at record levels due to layoffs and cost-cutting measures, a survey revealed today.

The Poynter Foundation reported that of all the layoffs in the last quarter of 2010, 34 percent came on the We Hate America/Things That Scare Old People beat. The beat that suffered most after that was the Typing Obits and Honor Rolls and Shit beat, at 19 percent.

Courtney Jennings, 32, of New York City is now serving coffee after a large New York paper let her go right before Christmas.

“I was just finishing up my six-part series on how the military really isn’t all that great when my boss gave me the news,” Jennings said as she picked up half-empty sugar packets from the floor. “I had so many ideas, too. Next up I was going to write another article all about how Obama is my Lord and Savior and is never wrong about anything, ever. After that, I was thinking of glorifying some movie about teenagers who like to go down on each other when they should be in church.”

Los Angeles Times managing editor Tom Everton said his newsroom has dropped half its staff in the last five years.

“Unfortunately, we have to make some hard choices in this day and age,” Everton said. “We used to be able to write mean things about Ronald Reagan while also carrying a trend story on the rise of transgender beauty pageants. Now, it has to be one or the other, and half the time the swing shift cops reporter has to write the article on a 30-minute lunch break while scarfing down an expired pimento cheese sandwich from the vending machine.”

Eighty-three-year-old St. Louis resident Beatrice Van Brunt said she still wasn’t pleased with her local paper’s coverage in general.

“I saw this article about a stay of execution for some monster who killed and raped two little girls,” Van Brunt said. “Why does the liberal media love criminals so much? And why aren’t they talking about how this monster is from Mexico? He probably stole some of our jobs before he got to the killing part.”

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