Category Archives: Fake News

Cuts Force Media to Reduce Coverage That Destroys America

My job as a reporter is nearing its end, so I thought I’d draw attention to a major yet unreported problem with media today.

Media companies are being forced to reduce coverage that destroys America at record levels due to layoffs and cost-cutting measures, a survey revealed today.

The Poynter Foundation reported that of all the layoffs in the last quarter of 2010, 34 percent came on the We Hate America/Things That Scare Old People beat. The beat that suffered most after that was the Typing Obits and Honor Rolls and Shit beat, at 19 percent.

Courtney Jennings, 32, of New York City is now serving coffee after a large New York paper let her go right before Christmas.

“I was just finishing up my six-part series on how the military really isn’t all that great when my boss gave me the news,” Jennings said as she picked up half-empty sugar packets from the floor. “I had so many ideas, too. Next up I was going to write another article all about how Obama is my Lord and Savior and is never wrong about anything, ever. After that, I was thinking of glorifying some movie about teenagers who like to go down on each other when they should be in church.”

Los Angeles Times managing editor Tom Everton said his newsroom has dropped half its staff in the last five years.

“Unfortunately, we have to make some hard choices in this day and age,” Everton said. “We used to be able to write mean things about Ronald Reagan while also carrying a trend story on the rise of transgender beauty pageants. Now, it has to be one or the other, and half the time the swing shift cops reporter has to write the article on a 30-minute lunch break while scarfing down an expired pimento cheese sandwich from the vending machine.”

Eighty-three-year-old St. Louis resident Beatrice Van Brunt said she still wasn’t pleased with her local paper’s coverage in general.

“I saw this article about a stay of execution for some monster who killed and raped two little girls,” Van Brunt said. “Why does the liberal media love criminals so much? And why aren’t they talking about how this monster is from Mexico? He probably stole some of our jobs before he got to the killing part.”

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Mock Teen Sex Scenario Shows Dangers of Fornication

VERNON, TEXAS – Students in Ms. Nina Foreman’s tenth grade health class got a lesson today in the dangers of teen sex with an elaborately staged mock teen pregnancy demo held in the high school auditorium.
“The purpose of today is to open your eyes and close your legs,” Foreman explained before the scene began.
The scene opened with two members of the high school’s Purity Club laying on a bed, fully clothed and far apart from each other.
“Wow,” said “Annie,” played by junior Devin Lowe. “I cannot believe we just did that awful thing.”
“Me either,” said “Steve,” played by senior Corey Madden, who then reached into his back pocket and pulled out something.
“Is that a condom?” asked Lowe. “Because condoms are only like, 45 percent effective and make your skin turn green.”
“Oh no,” replied Madden. “It’s the vow of purity I took when I registered for kindergarten. I carried it around with me as a reminder. Oh, gadzooks! What have I done? I have sullied your purity, sweet Annie!”
The two began weeping, and the rest of the scenario showed Annie becoming pregnant and cast out of the family home by her grieving parents. A girl dressed in all black who may have been portraying a lesbian or feminist or something drugged Annie and attempted to take her to the local abortion clinic by force, but a caped Madden rescued her at the last moment. The two then went to church and got married, saving their future child from growing up to become a homosexual.
Principal Don Leland said the school normally stages a mock drunk driving accident, but decided to take a different tact this year.
“We don’t know for sure that students will have access to alcohol on prom night,” Leland said. “But we do know they’ll have access to each other’s genitals, and frankly, those are a lot more dangerous.”

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A guide to changes in Texas textbooks

cartoon by Ben Sargent

The Texas Board of Education has come under fire recently for its revisions to history, economy, geography and government textbook standards for students in one of the nation’s largest textbook markets. Critics say Republicans on the board are distorting history to match the views the conservative members hold. A look at what Texas textbooks will say after the changes are made:

-Texas might have won the Battle of the Alamo had Davy Crockett’s wife not kept nagging her husband; historians agree that she was most likely on the rag.

-Texas has 254 counties divided into four geographical regions: much of East Texas will be known as Texas Proper for its old-time values, including high church attendance, the refusal to allow women to vote and the highest proportion of white sheets sold per capita in the state. South Texas will be Tex Mex, because those damn Mexicans are taking over and need to learn to speak English. West Texas will be Oilville, while a stretch of land from Waco to Dallas will be Bushland. Austin will not officially be recognized, except as The Hippie Communist Mecca.

-Austin will not be listed as the state’s “true” capital, due to its general godlessness. The State Board is currently debating considering listing Amarillo, home of militant church group Repent Amarillo, as the “true” capital because several members “like their style.”

– Texas does not execute innocent people and never has; that Cameron Todd Willingham guy may not have technically set his house on fire and killed his children, but he had a buncha tattoos and probably took the Lord’s name in vain so many times that it was only a matter of time before God Himself struck him down.

– Students must study such great American thinkers as Phyllis Schlafly, who is one of the few women to exist who managed to be both a non-whore and not annoying. Female students will be encouraged to examine ways in which they might manage to grow up and not be slutty.

-The history of sports will be looked at with a section on the great Texas A&M-University of Texas football rivalry, which has coincidentally been won by the Aggies for 80 years straight.

– There is no such thing as separation of church and state, and it doesn’t matter what Thomas Jefferson may have said, because there was no such person as a “Thomas Jefferson.” In fact, most of the Founding Fathers donated to Focus on the Family and picketed at the Gentlewoman’s Clinic of New England on Fridays.

– Texas is a special place with a unique cultural identity, and scientists have announced that men in Texas have the biggest penises in the nation, as evidenced by the large pickup trucks many of them drive.

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You can have some canned goods after you apologize to Jesus.

by Jeb Hines, senior pastor, Second Street Assembly of God

Well, they’re all in their seats, all 1,000 of em. We’ve been getting big crowds ever since the Muslim got elected and ruined the economy. But enough politics. It’s about time to go out and welcome these people Christmas Gift and Grocery Giveaway! They’re all going to get gifts and food in a moment. But first, I’m going to tell them about a friend of mine who would also like to be a friend of theirs. His name is Jesus Christ.

Now, that might make some of them fidget in their seats, a bit uncomfortable, and wondering why this wasn’t mentioned on the signs my secretary Margaret posted all over town. Well, it’s gonna be really uncomfortable in hell, so for the sake of their eternal soul, they better sit back and listen.

Anyway, a few people in the congregation have expressed concern that this is a bit of an underhanded way to do things. They say maybe we should help them with their more basic needs, then encourage them to think of us if they have any other needs or desires. Well, what is a more basic need than their salvation? The key is to get them in the presence of God, where they can be changed and born again. If God told me “Jeb, I want you to pretend like you’re hosting a meet-and-greet with some of those kids from Twilight, then preach to them my Word,” well,I would do it, because once you get to hell, there’s no one around to give you some Rice-a-Roni.

Once I had a man in the crowd heckling me. I told him Jesus loved him. He said he was hungry and diabetic and had called ahead and was told he could get insulin. I said yes, sir, yes you can, in just a second, but Jesus could return any minute now for the Rapture, so this is important. He passed out a couple of minutes later, but when he emerged from his coma, he became one of our congregation’s most active members.

A couple of times, we’ve had people get up in leave in the middle of my sermon. That’s very rude, but if they won’t listen to reason, we’ll keep calling the phone numbers they helpfully provided us with upon registration. We may even drive by their house once or twice in our nice Search and Rescue van that was donated by Henry Motors. It’s just how Jesus did it in Biblical times. We aren’t calling to them; Christ is. We’re just the messenger.

Maybe some of these people thought we would feed and shelter them and ignore their spiritual needs. Well, they’re wrong. That’s not how Jesus’ mercy works. Jesus would chide them for their life choices first, then give them some Great Value crunchy peanut butter. I suppose some of these needy people could have other church homes, but really, how likely is that? Their lack of belief is probably what led to their financial troubles anyway. Research shows that employers can spot wayward souls very early on in the interview process. They are much more likely to hire grounded souls, since no Christian has ever committed any sort of criminal offense against his employer.

I tell you what. I’m in a good mood today, and I don’t do this often, but once this is all over, I’m going to take anyone willing to get baptized tonight to Golden Corral for dinner afterward. It’s the Christian thing to do.

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Suh Sacks McCoy on Flight to Heisman Presentation

bigrednetwork.com

30,000 FEET ABOVE THE AIR – Heisman finalist Ndamukong Suh is putting a lot of pressure on Colt McCoy during their chartered flight to the New York City for the Heisman Trophy presentation, insiders reported Wednesday.

Suh recorded 4.5 sacks of McCoy during Saturday’s Big 12 championship game in Arlington, and had already recorded “at least a couple more” two hours into the flight, said a flight crew member who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being tackled.

“Colt asked for a soda, and Nuh came barreling in out of nowhere and crushed him against one of the seats,” the source said. “He then rumbled off with Colt’s Mountain Dew.”

Suh also hit McCoy so hard at one point that he fumbled his bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. McCoy wanted to use the airplane’s toilet, but had to get some help from teammate and kicker Hunter Lawrence, who kicked him over the seats and into the lavatory, multiple sources said. The sources also agreed there was no apparent reason for Lawrence to be on the flight to New York.

McCoy has told friends that, should his name be called Saturday as the most outstanding player in college football, he plans to accept the trophy gratefully, then quickly lob it to wide receiver Jordan Shipley, who will run downtown to the hotel as Suh puts McCoy on the ground.

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Voters Ban Old People Sex

AUGUSTA, MAINE – By a 52-48 margin, voters passed a referendum Tuesday banning old people from entering into a state of matrimony after their 65th birthday.

Organizers gathered hundreds of thousands of signatures of people who wanted to ban those over 60 from getting it on in a state-sanctioned union. After the signatures were certified by the Secretary of State, each side began airing commercials that attempted to sway the public to their point of view.

“Do we really want old Mrs. Fletcher telling her third-graders about what her husband did to her last night?” asked a snide voice in one of the No Matrimony for Seniors ads. “The Bible says no bumpin’ uglies unless you’re making babies. Do we want children to think sex is something to be enjoyed?”

Such ads convinced 32-year-old father of two Ridley Carter.

“This is icky,” he said. “If old people want to live together like that, I don’t see why they have to shove it in our faces. I have plenty of old friends, but I prefer to think of them as cheerful, sexless beings who bake lots of cookies and give out $5 bills at Christmas, not go around humping on the bingo table at the Senior Inn.”

Experts said a rash of publicity for drugs like Viagra and Levitra led people to realize just how many old people are able to have sexytimes nowadays. While senior citizens are traditionally one of the more reliable voting blocs, Election Day coincided with state’s annual Polka and Bowling Fest, featuring the fiercely competitive Grandchild Bragging Contest.

68-year-old widower Frank Delbano said he’ll have to abandon plans to marry his sweetheart, 66-year-old Wendy Mitchell.

“We found comfort in each other’s arms after our spouses died,” he said. “We never thought to find such a love again, but then we-”

Delbano was cut off then by the sounds of a dozen reporters puking.

-30-

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Drunk Driver Called Home to Jesus

MACON, GA. – Jarrett Lonoke was called to Heaven Saturday by his Heavenly Father, as well as Pabst Blue Ribbon, his family announced.

“The Lord called Jarrett to heaven at the tender young age of 23,” mother Eva said. “We can do nothing but accept that God, in his infinite wisdom, made Jarrett get inside that Chevy S-10 and start driving after consuming 10 or 12 beers at a party.”

Girlfriend Madison Wyatt said she tried to stop Lonoke from driving home, telling him she could call a cab.

“But then his friend Pete said no no he can drive fine, he’s not a pussy,'” Wyatt recalled. “I guess God was speaking through Pete that night.”

Wyatt said her boyfriend of two years was a kind and caring person despite his tendency to drink “every now and then.”

“Once he saw me at a party talking to another guy and he came over to me and told me, very quietly, that I needed to stop before people assumed I was a whore,” she said. “He said if something happened to me because of some idea that some other guy got, it wouldn’t be his problem. I was so glad he cared.”

The Rev. Benjamin Mounds of Oakdale Baptist Church eulogized Lonoke as committed to his faith regardless of how many obstacles God or Main Street Liquor placed in his path.

“He came to church every Sunday morning, no matter how much his head hurt,” Mounds said. “Yet you can’t come to church when your child is sick with the swine flu? Shame on you all.”

Also killed when Lonoke’s truck veered over the center line and into oncoming traffic was 30-year-old mother of two Trisha Fillmore, who was also part of God’s plan.

“God didn’t want to send Jarrett to Heaven alone,” Mounds proclaimed. “So he took Trisha, too. And Trisha was so happy to be with Jesus that she wouldn’t even want to go back and raise her 4-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter.”

Sources close to Heaven say God “needed a drunk angel” for the other angels to play pranks on.

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