Category Archives: Lady Mags

Making Fun of Cosmo, December 2011

So a few months ago, I got an e-mail offering me a one-year subscription to Cosmo for $5. At most, I buy one issue a year, laugh at how ridiculous it is, and that’s it. But then uh, my finger slipped, and I subscribed.

I’ve gotten a few issues now, and wow. Some of it’s mindless and relatively harmless fluff. A few things, though? Are either borderline harmful or just completely and utterly stupid, more so than other lady mags, which at least seem to occasionally try to NOT insult your intelligence.

Let’s take December’s issue, with the lovely and talented (and Photoshopped) Adele on the cover. I got in this mail and immediately my eyes went to “When He Shouldn’t See You Naked.” I thought the following:

— When you’re touring the Mormon temple in Salt Lake City (Pentecostal churches are totally cool with it, though).

— When you’re in the middle of a supersensitive airborne plague, and anyone who is ever naked dies a slow and painful death within minutes.

— When you’re playing Strip Twister on Opposite Day

The real answer, though, lay in an article titled “Seduction Secrets French Women Know.” I assume it means covering your naked man in a Mediterranean diet of olive oil, fish and poultry, as is the Cosmo way.

This next part isn’t really Cosmo’s fault. Well, probably not. It’s a perfume ad for Jean Paul Gaultier “Le Male.”

I think something went wrong if this is supposed to be sexy. This guy is styled and posed like the long-lost brother of Mango from Saturday Night Live more than anything else. I can’t really judge the scent either. I leaned it to sniff the perfume strip once, and this appeared out of a glittery pink mist.

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Filed under Fish in a Barrel, Lady Mags, Media Whore

Hey girls! Let’s start a band and wear awkward bras!

Don't we just scream rock n' roll?

They're not at all uncomfortable here.

Hey girls, I think it’s time for us to start a band. I mean, Lulu plays the drums, I play the guitar, and Tiffany can play the keyboard. But, get this — I want us to wear underwire bras on stage! Yeah! Won’t that be hot and sexy and not at all awkward and stupid?

“No one thinks like that,” you say. Well, someone who works on ad campaigns for Vassarette bras apparently does. Because they thought it would be a brilliant idea to have a campaign around girls who wear Vassarette bras and weird Britney-schoolgirl skirts. Because that’s HAWT, y’all! I saw this in a magazine once and my first thought was, “WTF?”

I mean, they even have a Web site touting them as “the first bra band.” But apparently they’ve run out of pot at the ad agency, because the site is down, even though “we can’t tell you how much fun we’ve had!”

Can you imagine these poor models who got this campaign? I mean, I bet they’re praying that no one will notice if say, one of them makes it big and gets nominated for an Academy Award. I bet all their venues tried to make the stage as cold as possible, just to be cute. Yes, women musicians often play in tank tops and such. But generally not underwire bras that look like they were stolen from someone’s closet. I wonder what other campaigns Vassarette may start up now?

“So comfortable, I pick up Johnny from school in them!”


“So comfortable, I’ve required all my employees to wear them! I can’t say more, pending the outcome of a civil suit.”

If nothing else, it doesn’t seem like knowing your audience well. I suppose you could argue that girls are more likely to buy underwear if they think it will make them feel sexy; that is not sexy. And while some horny guys in college might need bras, they generally don’t buy them.

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Filed under General Crap, Lady Mags

Cover Stories

I have another satire piece brewing in my head, but instead I decided to try something semi-new, at least for me. Why don’t we look at some recent magazine covers, that are either hot or cold off the presses? I am, after all, a magazine whore.

First off, the mag cover that makes me smile just by looking at it: Continue reading

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Filed under Lady Mags, Media Whore

Advice from Cosmo

Image from Amazon.com

Are You a Bad Cosmo Girlfriend?

You don’t give your ladyflower a regular Brazilian bikini wax. -10 points. Eww!

You never use ice cubes, whipped cream, sporks or potted plants in your sex play. -5 points

You wear a one-piece bathing suit. -3 points

You wear a size larger than 10. But for tips on how to dress plus-size, check out the newest issue of Cosmo. You are a size 10, right? No, a 12? Really? We didn’t know that size existed. We thought it was an urban legend, like, you know, that story about the guy with the hook. – 5 points

You’ve ever been caught buck naked anywhere outside of bed or the shower and didn’t send it in to Cosmo. We like to say buck naked. And ass. Then we put it on the cover, because we’re edgy like that. -5

You don’t give your man what he wants in bed -like the sideways samurai hillbilly grinder. You don’t know what that is? What are you, a virgin or something? -5 points

You don’t swallow when giving your man his daily fellatio. Wow, what’s that big word? We mean blow job. Or prick lick. Ohh, hey, put that on the cover!-12 points

You don’t like this month’s Guy Without His Shirt. What are you, some kind of lesbo? -7 points

You don’t take advice from our Ask Him Anything dude. He knows what’s good for you. Why don’t you? – 8 points

You aren’t giving him his most-wanted mattress move. Which is anal sex. With a young Latin man-boy named Felipe. -4 points

Disclaimer: This is, of course, satire, and did not actually appear in Cosmo. Furthermore, I read lady mags sometimes, yes. Sometimes they are harmless fluffy fun, sometime they annoy the crap outta me. This is a way to get my annoyances out. Also, I have an odd fondness for Carrie Underwood, but she happened to be on the latest cover, so sorry, Carrie.

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Filed under Lady Mags, Media Whore