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Hey, remember when I had a blog here?

It was part of my secret plan not to post at all in 2012, just so all five of my readers (OK, three) and all eight of my spam bots would miss me and the anticipation would become more fevered than the line outside one of those British boy band concerts on Black Friday.

The other day a friend asked if I had a blog, said she would totally read it. “I did.” I said. “No one read it.”

That was a little awkward.

I don’t know what to do with this, but I don’t want it to vanish into the Internet ether. So. Looking back on some of this, especially the fake news, a fair amount sucks, but some of it’s not bad.

I’m applying to grad school. Guess I should mention that.

On a serious note, my grandfather died last year. That’s him and my grandmother, below. I posted that pic elsewhere and people came out of the Interwebz woodwork to say I look like my grandmother. My mom always said that. I refused to believe it, because my face was too fat and I wasn’t pretty like her and also, my face was too fat.

Then at the funeral, my grandmother’s surviving kid brother (as opposed to her non-surviving brother, I guess?) showed up and brought his wife. His wife looked at the photo, then looked at me. Said, “You look so much like your grandmother!”

I thanked her. Then decided to at least consider believing it.

My grandparents the day they were married/the last day I posted on this blog.

My grandparents the day they were married/the last day I posted on this blog.

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Futures

At night I often feel like an Onion op-ed:

I’m Going to Drift Off to Sleep Now vs. No, You Have to Pee

How have you been the last nine months, nobody? I can’t seem to quit this blog and let it vanish into the Interwebz either, so….

The other day I got a call from someone wanting to know if people in my profession can predict the future. I told her I had another call.

I’ve changed my voicemail message at work now. “Hello, thank you for calling. I can’t come to the phone right now. Please press 1 to speak with the future or 2 to speak with the past. For the present, please press 0, or just stay on the line.”

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Blowing off cobwebs.

Well, hi. I don’t want to say “howdy” like WordPress because that reminds me of my high school boyfriend. The one who went to Texas A&M and said, “Howdy” and “Gig ’em” too damn often.

This is not about my high school boyfriend, though.

It’s about how sometimes you (OK, me, although you can come along if you really want) have to leave something familiar and safe but stifling to get to something good. There is no safety net, necessarily.

I have to step off the ledge and into the water and sink down and trust my body to propel itself back toward the surface. Trust my body will know what it’s doing even when I don’t, that there is something out there or within me or both that will guide me.

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Senate Health Care Bill Compromises

I do not think that word means what you think it means, Joe.

The Senate voted Saturday to move forward and allow a debate on the health care bill by a 60-39 cloture vote. But several senators, ostensibly Democrats, are threatening to filibuster later. What are some more compromises that can be made?

– Give in to Democrat Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas’ demand that the new bill cover all pregnancies that arise from incest. To further placate her constituents, the bill will cover no pregnancies that result from gay sex.

– Allow Oklahoma Republican Tom Coburn, a licensed ob-gyn, to receive higher Medicaid reimbursement rates when treating whores.

-Cover 80 percent of the expensive and groundbreaking surgery that is needed to remove Connecticut Independent Joe Lieberman’s large and weaselly cranium from his ass.

-As distasteful as it may be to Majority Leader Harry Reid, Alabama Republican Jeff Sessions won’t shut up until you let him introduce that amendment that would allow doctors to give black people 5/8 the care that whites receive.

– Women shouldn’t have to pay for their rape kits as long as they were virgins prior to the assault. However, a woman’s costs for post-rape treatment will go up with every man she slept with, and she better not lie when the ER nurse gives her a list to fill out.

-Viagra and similar drugs will continue to be covered for every man ever, except for the gays, because no one wants to think about that, Adam Lambert.

– After a heated floor debate, the Senate will vote 53-46 to declare West Virginia Democrat Robert Byrd, 92, legally dead.

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TV shows I should probably watch.

Last night I was at Target to buy cat litter, and moseyed over to the DVDs. They had a bunch of em on sale, including Golden Girls for $8.99 a season. It’s hard to get a good feature film on DVD for that price, much less an entire season of a show. Unfortunately, I was a bit late to the party, as most of the seasons were out of stock. And for some reason, Season 1 was not on sale and was $20, which would normally be a good deal but, comparatively speaking, was not.

Anyway, I have too many DVDs waiting to be watched. I’m still less than halfway through with the third season of Grey’s Anatomy (I have somehow managed to watch the first two seasons). I have Mad Men Season 1 on DVD but have only watched a couple of episodes. Both of which I liked. But I get so easily distracted, damnit. I’ll be all “Oh I should watch a DVD tonight,” then get distracted by some meaningless thing on TV, or decide I want a nap. It’s one reason I’m kind of terrible at Netflix.

But I do find time to browse and pick out shoes that look like they’re worth something. Below, a few shows on my radar.

I don’t get HBO, but have heard and read some really good things about this show. I’m kind of an advice column junkie because I love reading about how screwed-up other people are. I also probably should be in therapy. So this intrigues me. It’s on my Netflix queue, but at the rate I’m going, I may not get to it until 2013 or so.


Religious dysfunction? I can get behind that. Also, I am in favor of any TV show with opening credits where the cast is figure skating.


This show comes recommended by my friend over at Bubblegum Culture, as well as others. Just about every critic in the world loves it. True, I went to a football-crazed Texas high school, so I might constantly compare the real thing to the TV version (which is based somewhat on a book about the real thing). And I even get NBC, so I don’t know why I haven’t caught this show yet, even just while flipping through channels

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In the Conzone

NBC photo

NBC photo

Hey Conan O’Brien.Congrats on The Tonight Show. I really want you to do well here. But a couple problems that may not be that important, but I’ve noticed them all the same:

1) Second night out, and you’re already back to making Kirstie Alley jokes. Really. We get it. She’s fat. So fat that Jamie Foxx would go into the Witness Protection Program to avoid her professed desire for a “booty call.” Aren’t there other targets, fat or otherwise, to make fun of at this point?

2) We know Manny Ramirez is on fertility drugs because he cries and accuses us of not caring about his feelings. This one isn’t as bad, because you haven’t done it a million times.

I almost feel petty mentioning it because there are some great bits the first two nights: You shopping on Rodeo Road to the strains of “Pretty Woman” is pretty great. As was last night’s cold open of you running from NYC to the West Coast.

But you’re better than repeated fat jokes about Kirstie Alley, for chrissakes. The comedy world is dominated by males, who I’m guessing write most of these jokes. So at the risk of sounding like an emotional chick, stop being lazy.
I

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Pageant Queen Thinks Gays Are Icky

Eric Jamison/Associated Press

Eric Jamison/Associated Press

So on Sunday night, Miss White Anglo Saxton ProtestantUSA was crowned in Las Vegas. Winning was Miss North Carolina.

But the AP notes that the really interesting moment was when runner-up Miss California Carrie Prejean (above right) was asked her thoughts on gay marriage. Per the AP:

“We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage,” Prejean said. “And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.”

Some in the audience cheered, others booed. The answer sparked a shouting match in the lobby after the show.

“It’s ugly,” said Scott Ihrig, a gay man, who attended the pageant with his partner. “I think it’s ridiculous that she got first runner-up. That is not the value of 95 percent of the people in this audience. Look around this audience and tell me how many gay men there are.”

Charmaine Koonce, the mother of Miss New Mexico USA Bianca Matamoros-Koonce, argued back.

“In the Bible it says marriage is between Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!”

Koonce is right, you know. If you can rhyme and mention the Bible, then you are guaranteed to win every argument. If it’s in the Bible, then that ain’t libel. See?

And of course lots of people are raised to believe that hetorosexuality is the only option; many of them are gay anyway because guess what? The Bible can’t usurp how you’re hard-wired from birth.

And you can’t “choose” between same-sex or opposite sex unless you live in Vermont, Iowa, Massachusetts or Connecticut. People like Miss California voted to take that right away from gays in The Golden State.

I wonder if Prejean’s response had any part in Miss California being the runner-up instead of winner winner Lean Cuisine chicken dinner. I think it may have-for crying out loud, Perez Hilton was one of the judges. Miss California is doomed to have a semen dribble added to her photo now and forever.

No, I didn’t watch the show. I doubt many people did-even Miss America is struggling for relevancy. Pageants are generally not ahead of the curve on social issues. I vividly remember being 12 or 13, maybe younger, and seeing Miss Oklahoma tell the world she would advocate for saving sex for marriage if she won. I don’t believe she did.

Miss California may not have won, but I believe the makeup people voted her Most Irony-Free. Chica, you’re in a pageant. You get paid to look good. Don’t piss off the gays. And beware of that gay storm coming, as well:

Charmaine Koonce, the mother of Miss New Mexico USA Bianca Matamoros-Koonce, argued back.

“In the Bible it says marriage is between Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!”

Koonce is right, you know. If you can rhyme and mention the Bible, then you are guaranteed to win every argument. If it’s in the Bible, then that ain’t libel. See?

And of course lots of people are raised to believe that hetorosexuality is the only option; many of them are gay anyway because guess what? The Bible can’t usurp how you’re hard-wired from birth.

And you can’t “choose” between same-sex or opposite sex unless you live in Vermont, Iowa, Massachusetts or Connecticut. People like Miss California voted to take that right away from gays in The Golden State.

I wonder if Prejean’s response had any part in Miss California being the runner-up instead of winner winner Lean Cuisine chicken dinner. I think it may have-for crying out loud, Perez Hilton was one of the judges. Miss California is doomed to have a semen dribble added to her photo now and forever.

No, I didn’t watch the show. I doubt many people did-even Miss America is struggling for relevancy. Pageants are generally not ahead of the curve on social issues. I vividly remember being 12 or 13, maybe younger, and seeing Miss Oklahoma tell the world she would advocate for saving sex for marriage if she won. I don’t believe she did.

Miss California may not have won, but I believe the makeup people voted her Most Irony-Free. Chica, you’re in a pageant. You get paid to look good. Don’t piss off the gays. And beware of that gay storm coming, as well:

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