A guide to changes in Texas textbooks

cartoon by Ben Sargent

The Texas Board of Education has come under fire recently for its revisions to history, economy, geography and government textbook standards for students in one of the nation’s largest textbook markets. Critics say Republicans on the board are distorting history to match the views the conservative members hold. A look at what Texas textbooks will say after the changes are made:

-Texas might have won the Battle of the Alamo had Davy Crockett’s wife not kept nagging her husband; historians agree that she was most likely on the rag.

-Texas has 254 counties divided into four geographical regions: much of East Texas will be known as Texas Proper for its old-time values, including high church attendance, the refusal to allow women to vote and the highest proportion of white sheets sold per capita in the state. South Texas will be Tex Mex, because those damn Mexicans are taking over and need to learn to speak English. West Texas will be Oilville, while a stretch of land from Waco to Dallas will be Bushland. Austin will not officially be recognized, except as The Hippie Communist Mecca.

-Austin will not be listed as the state’s “true” capital, due to its general godlessness. The State Board is currently debating considering listing Amarillo, home of militant church group Repent Amarillo, as the “true” capital because several members “like their style.”

– Texas does not execute innocent people and never has; that Cameron Todd Willingham guy may not have technically set his house on fire and killed his children, but he had a buncha tattoos and probably took the Lord’s name in vain so many times that it was only a matter of time before God Himself struck him down.

– Students must study such great American thinkers as Phyllis Schlafly, who is one of the few women to exist who managed to be both a non-whore and not annoying. Female students will be encouraged to examine ways in which they might manage to grow up and not be slutty.

-The history of sports will be looked at with a section on the great Texas A&M-University of Texas football rivalry, which has coincidentally been won by the Aggies for 80 years straight.

– There is no such thing as separation of church and state, and it doesn’t matter what Thomas Jefferson may have said, because there was no such person as a “Thomas Jefferson.” In fact, most of the Founding Fathers donated to Focus on the Family and picketed at the Gentlewoman’s Clinic of New England on Fridays.

– Texas is a special place with a unique cultural identity, and scientists have announced that men in Texas have the biggest penises in the nation, as evidenced by the large pickup trucks many of them drive.

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You can have some canned goods after you apologize to Jesus.

by Jeb Hines, senior pastor, Second Street Assembly of God

Well, they’re all in their seats, all 1,000 of em. We’ve been getting big crowds ever since the Muslim got elected and ruined the economy. But enough politics. It’s about time to go out and welcome these people Christmas Gift and Grocery Giveaway! They’re all going to get gifts and food in a moment. But first, I’m going to tell them about a friend of mine who would also like to be a friend of theirs. His name is Jesus Christ.

Now, that might make some of them fidget in their seats, a bit uncomfortable, and wondering why this wasn’t mentioned on the signs my secretary Margaret posted all over town. Well, it’s gonna be really uncomfortable in hell, so for the sake of their eternal soul, they better sit back and listen.

Anyway, a few people in the congregation have expressed concern that this is a bit of an underhanded way to do things. They say maybe we should help them with their more basic needs, then encourage them to think of us if they have any other needs or desires. Well, what is a more basic need than their salvation? The key is to get them in the presence of God, where they can be changed and born again. If God told me “Jeb, I want you to pretend like you’re hosting a meet-and-greet with some of those kids from Twilight, then preach to them my Word,” well,I would do it, because once you get to hell, there’s no one around to give you some Rice-a-Roni.

Once I had a man in the crowd heckling me. I told him Jesus loved him. He said he was hungry and diabetic and had called ahead and was told he could get insulin. I said yes, sir, yes you can, in just a second, but Jesus could return any minute now for the Rapture, so this is important. He passed out a couple of minutes later, but when he emerged from his coma, he became one of our congregation’s most active members.

A couple of times, we’ve had people get up in leave in the middle of my sermon. That’s very rude, but if they won’t listen to reason, we’ll keep calling the phone numbers they helpfully provided us with upon registration. We may even drive by their house once or twice in our nice Search and Rescue van that was donated by Henry Motors. It’s just how Jesus did it in Biblical times. We aren’t calling to them; Christ is. We’re just the messenger.

Maybe some of these people thought we would feed and shelter them and ignore their spiritual needs. Well, they’re wrong. That’s not how Jesus’ mercy works. Jesus would chide them for their life choices first, then give them some Great Value crunchy peanut butter. I suppose some of these needy people could have other church homes, but really, how likely is that? Their lack of belief is probably what led to their financial troubles anyway. Research shows that employers can spot wayward souls very early on in the interview process. They are much more likely to hire grounded souls, since no Christian has ever committed any sort of criminal offense against his employer.

I tell you what. I’m in a good mood today, and I don’t do this often, but once this is all over, I’m going to take anyone willing to get baptized tonight to Golden Corral for dinner afterward. It’s the Christian thing to do.

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Suh Sacks McCoy on Flight to Heisman Presentation

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30,000 FEET ABOVE THE AIR – Heisman finalist Ndamukong Suh is putting a lot of pressure on Colt McCoy during their chartered flight to the New York City for the Heisman Trophy presentation, insiders reported Wednesday.

Suh recorded 4.5 sacks of McCoy during Saturday’s Big 12 championship game in Arlington, and had already recorded “at least a couple more” two hours into the flight, said a flight crew member who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being tackled.

“Colt asked for a soda, and Nuh came barreling in out of nowhere and crushed him against one of the seats,” the source said. “He then rumbled off with Colt’s Mountain Dew.”

Suh also hit McCoy so hard at one point that he fumbled his bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. McCoy wanted to use the airplane’s toilet, but had to get some help from teammate and kicker Hunter Lawrence, who kicked him over the seats and into the lavatory, multiple sources said. The sources also agreed there was no apparent reason for Lawrence to be on the flight to New York.

McCoy has told friends that, should his name be called Saturday as the most outstanding player in college football, he plans to accept the trophy gratefully, then quickly lob it to wide receiver Jordan Shipley, who will run downtown to the hotel as Suh puts McCoy on the ground.

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Senate Health Care Bill Compromises

I do not think that word means what you think it means, Joe.

The Senate voted Saturday to move forward and allow a debate on the health care bill by a 60-39 cloture vote. But several senators, ostensibly Democrats, are threatening to filibuster later. What are some more compromises that can be made?

– Give in to Democrat Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas’ demand that the new bill cover all pregnancies that arise from incest. To further placate her constituents, the bill will cover no pregnancies that result from gay sex.

– Allow Oklahoma Republican Tom Coburn, a licensed ob-gyn, to receive higher Medicaid reimbursement rates when treating whores.

-Cover 80 percent of the expensive and groundbreaking surgery that is needed to remove Connecticut Independent Joe Lieberman’s large and weaselly cranium from his ass.

-As distasteful as it may be to Majority Leader Harry Reid, Alabama Republican Jeff Sessions won’t shut up until you let him introduce that amendment that would allow doctors to give black people 5/8 the care that whites receive.

– Women shouldn’t have to pay for their rape kits as long as they were virgins prior to the assault. However, a woman’s costs for post-rape treatment will go up with every man she slept with, and she better not lie when the ER nurse gives her a list to fill out.

-Viagra and similar drugs will continue to be covered for every man ever, except for the gays, because no one wants to think about that, Adam Lambert.

– After a heated floor debate, the Senate will vote 53-46 to declare West Virginia Democrat Robert Byrd, 92, legally dead.

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Voters Ban Old People Sex

AUGUSTA, MAINE – By a 52-48 margin, voters passed a referendum Tuesday banning old people from entering into a state of matrimony after their 65th birthday.

Organizers gathered hundreds of thousands of signatures of people who wanted to ban those over 60 from getting it on in a state-sanctioned union. After the signatures were certified by the Secretary of State, each side began airing commercials that attempted to sway the public to their point of view.

“Do we really want old Mrs. Fletcher telling her third-graders about what her husband did to her last night?” asked a snide voice in one of the No Matrimony for Seniors ads. “The Bible says no bumpin’ uglies unless you’re making babies. Do we want children to think sex is something to be enjoyed?”

Such ads convinced 32-year-old father of two Ridley Carter.

“This is icky,” he said. “If old people want to live together like that, I don’t see why they have to shove it in our faces. I have plenty of old friends, but I prefer to think of them as cheerful, sexless beings who bake lots of cookies and give out $5 bills at Christmas, not go around humping on the bingo table at the Senior Inn.”

Experts said a rash of publicity for drugs like Viagra and Levitra led people to realize just how many old people are able to have sexytimes nowadays. While senior citizens are traditionally one of the more reliable voting blocs, Election Day coincided with state’s annual Polka and Bowling Fest, featuring the fiercely competitive Grandchild Bragging Contest.

68-year-old widower Frank Delbano said he’ll have to abandon plans to marry his sweetheart, 66-year-old Wendy Mitchell.

“We found comfort in each other’s arms after our spouses died,” he said. “We never thought to find such a love again, but then we-”

Delbano was cut off then by the sounds of a dozen reporters puking.

-30-

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Drunk Driver Called Home to Jesus

MACON, GA. – Jarrett Lonoke was called to Heaven Saturday by his Heavenly Father, as well as Pabst Blue Ribbon, his family announced.

“The Lord called Jarrett to heaven at the tender young age of 23,” mother Eva said. “We can do nothing but accept that God, in his infinite wisdom, made Jarrett get inside that Chevy S-10 and start driving after consuming 10 or 12 beers at a party.”

Girlfriend Madison Wyatt said she tried to stop Lonoke from driving home, telling him she could call a cab.

“But then his friend Pete said no no he can drive fine, he’s not a pussy,'” Wyatt recalled. “I guess God was speaking through Pete that night.”

Wyatt said her boyfriend of two years was a kind and caring person despite his tendency to drink “every now and then.”

“Once he saw me at a party talking to another guy and he came over to me and told me, very quietly, that I needed to stop before people assumed I was a whore,” she said. “He said if something happened to me because of some idea that some other guy got, it wouldn’t be his problem. I was so glad he cared.”

The Rev. Benjamin Mounds of Oakdale Baptist Church eulogized Lonoke as committed to his faith regardless of how many obstacles God or Main Street Liquor placed in his path.

“He came to church every Sunday morning, no matter how much his head hurt,” Mounds said. “Yet you can’t come to church when your child is sick with the swine flu? Shame on you all.”

Also killed when Lonoke’s truck veered over the center line and into oncoming traffic was 30-year-old mother of two Trisha Fillmore, who was also part of God’s plan.

“God didn’t want to send Jarrett to Heaven alone,” Mounds proclaimed. “So he took Trisha, too. And Trisha was so happy to be with Jesus that she wouldn’t even want to go back and raise her 4-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter.”

Sources close to Heaven say God “needed a drunk angel” for the other angels to play pranks on.

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Kate Hudson Held Captive Until World Series Ends

NY Daily News photo

NEW YORK – New York Yankees officials said today that the paramour of star player Alex Rodriguez, Oscar-nominated hot actress Kate Hudson, is being held in an undisclosed location until the Yankees win the World Series.

“We let her watch the first two games, then had to politely ask her to come with us,” said Yankees director of security Jared Wade. “She resisted and tried to call Kurt Russell and Jay-Z for help, but we eventually subdued her with a Taser.”

Team officials said Hudson must be kept guarded so she cannot do something to wound A-Rod’s fragile psyche.

“We’re not concerned that she’ll break up with him, necessarily,” said team manager Joe Girardi. “I mean, she loves attention and we’re about to win the freakin’ World Series. But she might be seen laughing and giggling with another man, or listening to Madonna music. Both of those things could rattle A-Rod, and he’s already having a so-so series.”

A source says during the ALCS, A-Rod started crying and cursing God after seeing Hudson locked in an embrace with a short, long-haired male.

“Shit, it took forever to convince him that was her freakin’ son,” a source who asked to remain anonymous and who is definitely not Johnny Damon said.

The Yankees are not sure what they’ll do with Hudson if the World Series returns to the Bronx. But they know what will happen if the Yankees win their 27th championship.

“They’ll have to get married,” a source said. “I mean, we’ve already been assuring him that yes, yes, Kate wants to marry you, A-Rod. Of course she does. You’re A-Rod, man!”

The team expects Hudson and A-Rod to sign a pre-nup mandating that she can never ever ask for a divorce, but he can do so if she gets old and stops being hot. She wiill also be forbidden from demanding he focus on her pleasure during sex, as such a request will only confuse and distract him.

In a related story, the Phillies were working to have former A-Rod love Madonna sing the national anthem before Game 5.

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