Shawn Johnson Too Young to Vote, But Still Cute

AP Photo

I saw this in Sports Illustrated, and it gave me an excuse to bring back that old Olympic feeling (well, sort of) and combine it with politics without going all ranty.

Olympic gold medalist (and Iowan) Shawn Johnson is apparently a Barack fan, bless her heart. Seriously, she’s adorable and kickass and apparently liberal. Even though, as SI notes, the 16-year-old can’t vote until 2012, “Johnson gave Barack Obama her endorsement anyway when she led the Democratic National Convention in the Pledge of Allegiance last Thursday.”

Your move, Liukin. Although Nastia lives in the Dallas area, the same place where the Bushes are allegedly going to settle after Jan. 20, it’d be funny if she was a Barack fan. Would it mean anything? Not especially, but I would kinda enjoy it.

In this picture, I like to imagine that Al Gore is telling Johnson that she has a small, yet fierce, carbon footprint. How would you caption it?

Pickup Driver Experiences Shrinkage After Civic Passes Him on Highway

by lalaland13/Automotive Writer

WACO, TEXAS — Friends of Danny Waller, 26, claim he he experienced penis shrinkage after his Ford F-350 was passed on the highway by a Honda Civic.

“He came home crying, and it took him a while to explain it, but then it all came rushing out at once,” his girlfriend, Holly White, 23, told reporters. “He said he was trying to speed up and keep ‘that foreign piece of shit’ from passing him, but the car went by him anyway. Afterwards, he said he felt something different right away.”

Cover Stories

I have another satire piece brewing in my head, but instead I decided to try something semi-new, at least for me. Why don’t we look at some recent magazine covers, that are either hot or cold off the presses? I am, after all, a magazine whore.

First off, the mag cover that makes me smile just by looking at it:

Lies, Scandal and Cheating Icebergs

Some of this is going to seem made up. Most of it is not.

So as pretty much everyone in the entire world has heard by now, Palin’s’ daughter is preggers. By a kid around 17 or 18, who, the family assures us, she is going to marry. Since that fixes it all, of course. Who has a MySpace page that says (gasp) “I don’t want kids!” Oh noes! That obviously means he eats them instead!

Experts Question McCain’s Cooter Credentials in Light of Palin Pick

by lalaland13/Fake News Person

WASHINGTON - A week after leading pundits wondered if Barack Obama’s choice of Joe Biden signaled a lack of confidence in foreign policy experience, leading analysts are left with a similar question about John McCain’s choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

“The big thing here is, does McCain not feel secure  in his feminine wiles and abilities?” asked Harvard political science professor Matt Hewey. “You can sense a certain confidence in a woman when they walk into the room. McCain clearly states today that no, he does not have that at all. This could be a problem in November.”

As today’s announcement drew closer, speculation focused on Joe Lieberman, the senator from Connecticut. However, advisers said privately that was not going to happen, as Lieberman is pro-choice and also, kind of a Jew and all, and McCain can’t pick someone who assisted in the killing of Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior.

So instead, McCain went with an XX chromosomed-person, a pick that raises just as many questions as answers.

“Does he have enough experience with ladyparts?” said Neal Nutt, an analyst at the Center for Asking Important Questions and Analyzing Them. “I mean, other than asking his wife, Cindy, there’s no way to answer that question, except maybe asking his first wife, who was tragically crippled and then….well, you know, divorce happens. But McCain was a POW. And a man of honor maverick. But does he have maverick cooter credentials? Does he have the feminine mystique, or is this going to go down as a feminine mistake”

Author and feminist Eve Ensler suggested McCain “love his vagina and believe in it. Love all of it. Of course, if he has a peen instead of a cooter, that’s going to get a lot more difficult.” Ensler suggested watching a few seasons of Golden Girls for tips, because “that Blanche character knew how to work a room.” McCain staffers are said to be currently looking for copies of the hit TV series on VHS.

McCain has also announced that, if he and Palin secure an electoral victory, Palin will make 75 percent of his salary. Further comment from the McCain camp was not available, although there was an awkward moment in Dayton, Ohio, when the banner announcing Palin as the VP had an error, and the sign read: Palin for Vice Presidential Cuntidate: She’ll Fight for Our Cunty!”

Cletus the Hypothetical Fetus

Image from paulding.blogspot.com

I want to get pregnant.

OK, not really. I do have a morbid fascination with being pregnant, with all that’s going on inside your lady organs, except I don’t want to actually have to haul the baby around the next 18 years. Or maybe it’s I want a baby, I just don’t want to be pregnant.

Cheesecake or Death

So the trip to the Big City was not so good. At least our main objective did not pan out at all the way it was supposed (the going to of the football game). But we ate at The Cheesecake Factory and while I may just be easily impressed, this particular location was really darn good.

Esteemed Blogger for President

I’m running for president. Why, you say? Well, mostly so I can ban any political ads from being on TV.

That’s right. Maybe they’d still be on the Internet, but hey. I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of McCain saying he doesn’t know how many houses he has, and Obama making an ad about it, and McCain people saying well we’re gonna mention Rezko because Obama asked for it because “Cindy owns the houses” and ohh Obama said wives were off-limits! Neener neener neener!

I’m sick of this “Who can throw the most shit.” I’m sick of worrying that Obama’s a wuss for not playing the game as much as McCain, and also sick of him actually playing the game because I hate the damn game. I’m sick of the idea that McCain might actually win because of these crap ads. I’m sick of all of this.

Both sides have said and done stupid crap. I still prefer Obama based on policy and character. And oh yeah, the McCain campaign might want to check Politifact on the Rezko thing. Not that facts win elections. Crap does.

I’m going out of town (guess where?)for a day or two, although not to escape the attack ads, since that’s impossible. Even after the awesome men’s relay victory over France in swimming, NBC went to commercials and oh look, it’s the Celebrity Obama ad. Argh. But see you guys on the flip side. And if you don’t vote for me, vote for Dorothy.

Florida High School Principal No “Pal” of Gays

From stickergiant.com

I saw this article, and it made my heart and head hurt. But what do you expect from the Redneck Riviera?

In Case of Tie, Your Head Will Explode

Getty Images

So Nastia Liukin and Underage Chinese Girl score the same on the uneven bars. After three tiebreakers, He Kexin is declared the winner and Liukin and gets gold.